Wednesday, January 18, 2017

The Biggest Communication Problem Is That We Listen To Reply, Not To Understand

George Bernard Shaw once said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Picture this: someone is speaking to you, expressing their thoughts carefully for you to understand. You wait for the breaks in the conversation, when you think they’ve finished talking, and then you interrupt with your own piece of information or repeat what was just said. “Oh, I know just how you feel,” you say, or “I had the same thing happen to me. Let me tell you about it!”

You fail to listen. You create your own ideas. You miss the message and the opportunity to understand. It’s about your agenda, not theirs. Have you ever experienced this?

Often, you think you’ve understood what was said, but the reality is that you spent the whole time formulating a reply and forgot to actually listen. Arguably, listening is the most difficult skill in communication, and we’re getting worse at it.

What We Hear Vs. What We Understand

There is a lag time between hearing and understanding. This lag time varies from one individual to another. The lag time can be a few seconds to up to a minute, and this is where the trouble begins. It’s during this lag time that we drift off and start listening to ourselves and not to the person speaking to us. This is when we lose concentration and comprehension.

What causes this lag time? It could be our emotional state. It also could be our physical state. However, the most likely offenders are our own thoughts and judgments. One example is confirmation bias, our habit of picking out facets of a conversation that reinforce our values, perceptions and pre-existing beliefs.

The gap between what is said and what we hear is also linked to how slow or fast a person speaks. The average person speaks 175 to 200 words per minute, but most people are capable of listening to and processing 600 to 1,000 words per minute. Because of this, our brain is not always fully focused on what someone is saying and goes off in different directions. This prevents us from understanding what is being said.

Another phenomenon is called competitive listening. This is when we have a negative reaction to what is being said because we don’t agree with the other person. We immediately stop listening and the conversation is over.

Allow Yourself to Understand

Let’s face it, we’re not going to agree with everything everybody says. That is part of life, and we need to accept it. Instead of falling into traps like confirmation bias and competitive listening, let’s try to concentrate on understanding by becoming a little more empathetic when we listen. Here are some suggestions.

  1. Open your mind to what is being said. Don’t judge, just listen. If you have a problem focusing, repeat what is being said in your mind.
  2. Forget the details and listen for the big picture. It’s important to get the overall point of the conversation first. Statements can be easily misunderstood, especially when they differ from your own opinions and cause you to listen competitively.
  3. Don’t interrupt until the other person has finished speaking. You can always ask the speaker to repeat himself or herself, but do it in between sentences.
  4. Don’t jump to conclusions. Let the speaker articulate his or her point of view completely. This will give you time to think it through before formulating a response.

Remember, it’s perfectly OK to disagree with someone, but you need to first understand their message. Ask yourself why their message may be true and what circumstances would make it true. Asking this will put you “in their shoes,” so to speak, and will make it more challenging to argue with them.

In summary, most of us have never been taught to listen, so it’s really not our fault. Effective listening is skill-based and must be learned and practiced. You must approach listening with a positive attitude and the intent to understand the other person completely. This paradigm is completely different from the usual paradigm. It gets you within the other person’s reality. You put yourself in it so that you can see things the way the other person sees them and understand the way they feel. Your reply will then come from a basis of complete understanding.

Featured photo credit: Tord Sollie via unsplash.com

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Being Mentally Strong Is About How You Recharge, Not How You Endure

We were led to believe that being tough means you can endure more. The more we work, the more resilient we become. When we think we don’t have the strength anymore, but we still get up and keep going – that’s what we think resilience is. How wrong we all are about what it really means to be resilient. If we deprive ourselves of deep relaxation and recuperation, we’ll become less and less resilient and less and less productive. To keep the balance and to keep our brains healthy, we need to truly unwind and step back from what we are doing. According to a study,[1] the recovery time is the precondition for healthy life and for avoiding occupational stress. If we exhaust our bodies to the limits, we’ll eventually break down, whereas keeping a healthy balance between working and resting will help us accomplish all our tasks and not feel overwhelmed.

Without resting, you become less successful

To always be productive and to do our best at performing every task, the key is to let our body and mind recover from everyday obligations imposed by our jobs. If you look at how we work, we can see why it’s important to let our bodies recharge. We tend to deprive ourselves of sleep in order to get more things done, but we don’t realize to what extent we harm our bodies and that it will have the opposite effect. Sleep deprivation impairs our attention, working memory, long-term memory and decision making ability.[2] It also has a negative impact on homeostatic processes, which are necessary for our bodies to restore balance and keep us healthy.

Feeling recovered in the morning from the previous day allows us to be fully focused on what we are doing and to perform to the best of our abilities. And consequently, if we proceed to think about our work even when we go to bed, it will result in us waking up feeling fatigue, even though we had enough hours of sleep, and we won’t be able to fully focus on our work the next day.

Leave your work physically and mentally

True recovery means not only to leave the office, come home and lie down. We need to give our brains some time to recover by doing activities that will lead to true state of relaxation. Lying down and thinking about the pile of work we have to deal with the next day will produce no positive results and we’ll end up feeling exhausted even though we practically did nothing – that is because our brains require rest too. Try doing some fun creative activity that will take your mind off work and allow you to recuperate. Non-work related creative activities have positive effects on the performance at work place.[3] So, get creative and unwind.

Take time to recover

Find the time every day for activities that will help you to unwind. You can take your time and read your favorite books, watch a comedy movie, look at funny pictures, even buy a coloring book for adults and see all the stress disappear as you unleash your creativity. Use the time, for example, when you are commuting to and from work to listen to some music that makes you happy, or to call your friends and chat about some non-work related topics. If you can’t stop thinking about your work when you go to bed, you can try meditating for 15-30 minutes each night before you go to sleep. It will help you clear your mind of all worries.

In order to stay healthy and energized, it’s important to know when to stop, take a break and recharge. If you don’t let your body recover, you’ll always feel exhausted, and thus less able to do your best. Pushing yourself to the limits doesn’t mean you are resilient, knowing how to keep the balance between working and resting does.

Featured photo credit: https://unsplash.com/ via unsplash.com

Reference

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Everything Is Going To Be Fine In The End. If It Isn't Fine, It Isn't The End.

Sometimes a situation may seem terrible, but eventually it will end. Everyone will go through difficult times in their life; maybe your relationship has ended, maybe you have lost a loved one or maybe you are unhappy in your career and unsure about what to do next.

Many people believe that negative experiences are emotionally damaging, but this isn’t true. In reality negative experiences will make you wiser, stronger and more compassionate. If you are currently going through a difficult time, don’t worry – everything is going to be fine in the end. If it isn’t fine, it isn’t the end.

Here are four things you can do to improve your current situation.

1. Acknowledge That You Don’t Feel Fine

When we experience pain, such as losing a loved one, it can be tempting to ignore your negative emotions to focus on something else. You don’t like the idea of crying or feeling terrible, but in reality putting it off will make the problem worse. The negative emotions won’t pass until you feel them, and if you ignore them they may turn into anger and resentment. Let yourself feel the sadness, even if you are worried that it will overwhelm you. You don’t have to rationalize your feelings; just accept that they are part of life’s journey.

2. Talk It Out

Lots of people who are sad struggle to express their sadness to their loved ones. Their partner will ask how they are feeling, and instead of being honest they will claim to be fine. This can make the problem seem bigger as you are dealing with it alone, without any help from the people around you. If you can relate to this, try to talk it out with someone you love and trust. Another perspective is normally very helpful, and simply talking about the problem will make it seem smaller and more manageable.

3. Focus On Your Mindset

Life isn’t perfect for anyone, and everyone experiences difficult times. The only thing that really matters is how you choose to deal with problems. Some people bury their heads in the sand and ignore their problems; if their relationship is failing, they will avoid their partner rather than trying to fix the problem. This attitude may make you feel better in the moment, but it will soon make all of your problems worse.

Try to have a positive attitude towards your problems so that you can actually solve them. It may seem like a big challenge, but in reality it is a simple choice – either you can deal with your problems or you can avoid them.

4. Deal With Today (And Don’t Worry About Tomorrow Or Yesterday)

When you are going through a difficult time it can be hard to focus on the present. Lots of people focus on past decisions that they regret, and they constantly worry about how their current problem will affect the future. This negative attitude doesn’t benefit anyone, and it will make you feel more anxious and stressed.

Forget about the past and future so that you can focus on the present moment, and you will find that it is much easier to be positive and optimistic. Spend time with your loved ones and enjoy their company, and smile when something amuses you. You may still feel sad, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy happiness when you find it.

We all go through difficult times in life, and you should embrace the negative things that have happened to you. This will help you to accept the situation so that you can deal with the problem and find happiness. You may not feel fine now, but everything is going to be fine.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via pexels.com

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You Only Need 20 Minutes For An Insanely Productive Day (With This Morning Ritual)

Picture this: you start the day on the wrong foot. Say the alarm didn’t buzz. So, you take a hurried shower and have burnt toast for breakfast, the kids decide to disappear at the instant your car refuses to start, and basically everything goes south from there. It’s like Murphy’s Law: if something can go wrong, it will. The result: your plans to have a productive day go flying out of the window. The solution? A 20-minute morning routine that lets you have an insanely productive day!

The Harvard-trained happiness researcher and New York Times best-selling author of The Happiness Advantage Shawn Achor recommends a morning ritual that will increase your positivity levels and give you a happiness advantage.

What is the Happiness Advantage?

When you raise your positivity level, your brain feels happier. A happier brain, drunk on positivity, is better equipped to handle stress as well as everyday situations. This is true simply because the brain becomes more intelligent with a dose of positivity. A happier brain also makes your body’s energy levels rise and makes you move about more proactively. A brain fed on positivity makes your day far more productive, according to Achor. Your productivity can go up by about 31%. So, let’s talk about that 20-minute morning routine that will promote an insanely productive day.

1. 2 Minutes to Relive the Most Positive Moment of the Past Day

The brain can be tricked – it does not realize the difference between experiencing a high and visualizing one. So, take two minutes to write down the happiest moment of your past 24 hours and to relive all its great moments. This will make your brain feel more positive. A more positive brain, as we have just seen, basically makes you far more productive in everything during the day, be it work, chores, or hobbies.

2. 2 Minutes to Send a Positive E-Mail

Sending someone a positive email full of nice things will make two things happen. One is that it will make you feel pumped because you’ve done a good deed. The other is that it will make you stronger in interpersonal relationships. And being popular will certainly make you and your brain happier, thereby making your brain and you far more productive than normal.

3. 2 Minutes to Express Gratitude

Jot down three new things that you are thankful for on an everyday basis for at least 21 consecutive days. This will train your brain to become more optimistic and to look for positivity everywhere instead of negativity. Thinking of all that you have makes you feel good about your life. Instead of seeing the glass as half empty, this way you can train your brain to see it as half full. An optimistic view of the world is an infinitely happier one. And happiness, as we have seen, puts you on the path towards more productivity!

4. 10-15 Minutes to Exercise

Exercise affects the brain in two ways. Vigorous exercise, even if it’s for just 10 minutes, floods your brain with endorphins, aka the “happy hormones” that reduce stress and make your thinking tank function optimally. Secondly, by taking a little time to exercise and do something for yourself, you train your brain to think that you matter. The positivity carries through the day and through everything you do. Completing an exercise routine is one way to train the brain to get through something with perseverance, and so it makes your brain more productive too.

5. 2 Minutes to Meditate

Finally, even if it’s just for two minutes, sit and internalize your thoughts, meditating on nothing but your breath going in and out. This improves the focusing mechanism of the brain and makes it more accurate, as well as increasing positivity and lowering stress levels. Sharper concentration means you let your brain focus on the job at hand, and this makes it more productive.

This routine can be done in 20 minutes a day, or it can be stretched a little more on days you have time. It will make you and your brain more positive, and definitely more productive too.

Featured photo credit: Pixels via pexels.com

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You May Not Realize It, But These 6 Small Habits Can Block Your Way To Success

There’s a historian by the name of Will Durant who summarized an idea of Aristotle’s as, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” With that being said, often times your habits determine your success—or form road blocks. If you can find a way to rise above habits that are hindering your success, you will find that you will be able to reach the potential you’ve always had.

These six self-destructive habits are a good place to start making some changes:

1. Checking your phone during a conversation

Think about the last time you were having a conversation with someone and they picked up their phone to check a text message or glance over when a notification popped up. It’s a really big turn off when you feel you aren’t being listened to. And it’s likely that while distracted, you’re probably missing some important information. When you’re having a conversation, focus all your attention on the conversation. By putting your phone away, you will find that the conversations you have will be more enjoyable when you fully immerse yourself in them.

It’s an out of sight, out of mind type of thing. If you can’t see it, there’s a good possibility that you’ll forget all about it for the time being. By doing this, you’ll find that the conversations you have will be more enjoyable when you fully immerse yourself in them.

2. Dwelling on failures from your past

When you mess up it’s hard to not be really critical of yourself. You get those feelings of hating yourself, not feeling good enough, inadequate, etc. It’s normal to feel like that from time to time, but it won’t do you any good to provoke self-hatred by continuously dwelling on those mistakes. Try to train your mind to look at your mistake(s) as an opportunity to walk away with a lesson rather than beating yourself up and swimming in negative thoughts about yourself.

Instead of dwelling, start asking yourself questions about what led you to make the decision you made. It’s beneficial to adopt the habit of asking yourself questions about your failure rather than dwelling on the failure itself.

3. Keeping relationships with toxic people

Toxic people tend to make their mark in our lives and manage to stay there. It doesn’t matter where you work, there’s always going to be someone that just really gets under your skin. You may find that your skin cringes with even the thought of this person. By letting this person influence you to the point where it affects your performance and mood at work, you’re hindering your success. When you feel these thoughts flooding into your mind, replace them with thinking about how grateful you are for someone else in your life. It doesn’t do you any good to think about the people who don’t matter when there are plenty of people out there who deserve your attention.

4. Comparing yourself to others

Not doing this can be really hard, I know. You may find yourself doing it sometimes without even realizing it. You lose control over your happiness when you compare yourself to those around you. When you’ve accomplished something that makes you feel good and satisfied, don’t allow another person’s opinion and/or their accomplishments take away those good feelings you have. It’s nearly impossible to not let what others think of you get into your head, but over time you can learn to quickly remove that negativity and keep moving forward.

During these times, it’s important to remind yourself that your self-worth is something that comes from the inside. Keep this in mind—you’re never as bad as someone says you are.

5. Gossiping

They’re everywhere, you can’t escape them. People who love to gossip get a ‘high’ from other people’s short-comings and failures. It may seem tempting at first to engage with others and talk about someone else’s personal/professional life, but after awhile you’ll start to realize that you feel really awful about hurting other people. Instead of doing that, pay attention and talk about the positive things going on around you. People are very interesting, and there is so much you can learn from them. Have you ever noticed that a person who compulsively gossips is rarely happy with their own life? Remember that.

6. Being distracted by notification pop-ups

It’s very hard to stay focused every time a notification pops up on your phone or email. Each time your phone or computer makes a noise, it grabs your attention and causes your productivity to drop. Getting notifications multiple times throughout your day may make you feel like you’re being productive, but that’s far from the truth. Every time you get distracted, it’s taking your attention away from the things that need to be done. A task that should take you only a few hours can easily turn into an all-day affair if you’re not mindful of how distracting it can be.

To eliminate this, turn off your pop-up notifications while you’re working. Set certain times during the day when you check your phone and email. For example, when you get to work in the morning, when you take your lunch break, and then again right before you head out to go home for the day. You’ll start to realize how much more productive you are this way.

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Scientists Explain How The Time You Spend With Your Parents Can Affect Their Longevity

Loneliness has become an epidemic. Some researchers even claim that it is deadlier than obesity[1]. Studies show that lonely people have a 50% higher mortality rate than non-lonely people whereas obese people have an 18% higher mortality rate than non-obese people.

Loneliness is a common source of distress, suffering, and impaired quality of life in older persons and is especially detrimental as you age. A study[2] done by the University of Chicago found that loneliness can significantly affect blood pressure, weaken the immune system and lead to a greater risk of depression, heart attack, and strokes.

Spending time with aging parents can help them live longer

The time you spend visiting your parents, chatting with them on the phone and Skyping or Face Timing them isn’t just a nice thing a grown child should do; it contributes to the length and quality of their golden years. Jama International Medicine[3] performed a comparative analysis of lonely and non-lonely seniors and found that lonely seniors were also more prone to suffer from an array of medical conditions at a much higher rate, ailments such as hypertension (3.1% difference), diabetes (2.4% difference), and heart conditions (5.3% difference). And isolated seniors were almost 30% more likely to suffer from depression.

It also turns out that loneliness is a key accelerant in the aging process and associated mortality. Researchers[4] observed 1,600 elderly individuals (average age 71) for a six-year period and found that only 14% of the seniors who were regularly visited by their relatives have died, compared to 23% of participants without family visitors.

Spending time with seniors is beneficial to both you and them

Seniors have a ton of wisdom and experience they are eager to share. The well-spring of knowledge and sage advice that can be ascertained from simply sitting and chatting with an aging person could be life-altering for both of you. And every interaction doesn’t have to involve deep intellectual conversations on how to save the world. Conversations that are silly, meaningless and just make you laugh are just as transformative and beneficial as the more philosophical ones. Share funny stories about the kids, exchange recipes or simply allow your senior parents to share stories about their lives “back in the day.”

Allowing your parents to hear your voice and see your face from time-to-time will not only stave off loneliness but it will help them live longer and you to live better.

Featured photo credit: Pixels via pexels.com

Reference

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If You Want To Achieve Every Goal You Set, You Should Know This Magic Loop

How One Year Is Too Long As A Feedback Loop

Decisions to change behavior normally begin with one choice. But the challenge is to stick with the plan to alter a specific behavior for one whole year. This one decision equates to multiple changes in a person’s daily life.

One year.  That’s a long time.  And waiting until the end of those 12 months to assess our progress is also problematic.  How can we properly or successfully identify areas of weakness or areas to pay closer attention if we wait 12 months, 52 weeks to make adjustments?  Most likely, we will have bailed on the project long before it had a chance for successful completion.

Tracking our progress is important.  And, if we begin to track our progress sooner rather than later, we may enjoy different results.  It is called the magic loop.  Assessing progress daily, weekly, monthly or every three months is one way to magically achieve results.

The Magic Loop:

Daily Motivation and Reflection

Les Brown says we should review our goals twice a day to be focused on achieving them.

This may look like spending time planning each step.  In this step, a set of positive, encouraging affirmations to start the day can keep us focused on our goal and prepared to win.

Try telling yourself each day, “Anything worth achieving will always have obstacles, but I can do it!”

Another suggestion is to regularly review the day’s progress, also known as daily reflection.  Ask yourself, “Did I work towards my goal today?  What did I do?  What did I skip?  How can I do better tomorrow?”

These questions and their subsequent answers will help us gauge our daily progress and improve on our results the next day.

Weekly Planning

Planning to succeed is vital, but so is celebrating our success.  At the beginning or end of each week, you can write out a plan to help you reach your New Year’s Resolution goal.  In this way, the newly desired behavior will become a habit instead of an “I tried it and I failed” attempt at success.

For example, if your goal is to lose 20 pounds by the end of a three-month cycle, you could plan your meals for the week making sure you stay under the caloric intake.

By following your weekly plan, then doing daily reflection, you can magically advance towards your goal.  Then, at the end of the week, you can make another assessment to see how far you have come.

Monthly Tuning and Celebration

Hopefully, you are writing down your daily progress, which will help you remain focused. You can also review your daily notes on a weekly basis. Try writing a weekly summary as well or journaling your experience. At the end of the month, you can re-read your notes. Take the time to pay special attention to where you have come from and where you are going. Celebrate the successes with low or no-cost activities that affirm your hard work.

Conclusion

Change requires action. Even the best and most prolific leaders do a review of the work they have done to see if it is paying off. Sometimes that action is multi-layered, like the magic loop. But the above-stated actions will yield results that will make you smile at the end of the year.

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Life Is Short. Make Your Time Well Spent And Treat Yourself Well

Adapted from Quora

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