mdolla: The Angry Spouse: How to Use the Anger to Increase the Intimacy

Who hasn’t gotten angry with their partner? No one, right? It’s all part of being in a relationship, but we’ve been conditioned to believe that anger is bad, and that we shouldn’t feel angry. So, we don’t know how to be an angry wife or angry husband. And yes, there’s actually a good way to be an angry spouse (or partner). What’s more, your anger can actually be a very good thing for your relationship. It might sound crazy, but being an angry wife or husband might not be such a bad thing. Here’s why.

Anger is Natural

Anger always comes as a reaction to what is happening in the present moment, but too often, we miss the opportunity to express our anger when it comes up. And it’s all because we’re afraid or ashamed of being angry. So, sensitive as we are, we hide it away. But if we don’t deal with this natural feeling responsibly, it will deal with us!

For example, latent anger can turn into rage – a dangerous and destructive emotion in any relationship, let alone an intimate one! Furthermore, unexpressed anger can lead to things like depression and heart problems, just to name a few. On the flipside, if we express anger irresponsibly, we might suffer from things like hypertension, headaches, gastrointestinal issues and much more.

I think it’s safe to say that when we suppress or abuse anger, we’re left with a whole new slew of problems. But anger is a feeling that shows up when something needs to change. It’s like a natural signal, alerting us to create something new or to fix the current problem.

Anger isn’t the Bad Guy

So, now that we’ve established that anger isn’t just natural, but also good, you might be wondering how anger can send important signals to you.

Try this: the next time you feel angry about something, take a moment and ask yourself why it angers you. You’ll realize that your anger is triggered by something else – perhaps because you’re really feeling hurt, insecure, lonely, threatened, or guilty. Go ahead and dig deep, and ask why you’re feeling that way. Keep in mind that telling yourself that you are no angry anymore but keeping the other party still being unfair, will not help either you or your relationship.

If you know that your anger indicates a deeper problem, you can start to heal those core issues. You can allow yourself to feel upset without judging or shaming yourself, and this mindset will naturally spill over into how you express your anger with your partner.

Being mindful within anger can really help us to change our behavior, instead of resenting people for not changing theirs. Basically, you have the choice to create a conscious attitude toward anger, as opposed to letting it run the show and ruining your day.

Anger is Creative

I’m sure that whenever you’ve been an angry wife (or girlfriend in my case), you didn’t think your anger could lead to something healthy and productive. But big magic happens whenever you use anger mindfully.

You see, it’s not a negative energy; it’s a creative energy. We just have to choose to use it that way. And when we do so, we can come up with plenty of original ideas to solve the problems at hand.

Now, if any of you are thinking to yourself, “Slow down, girl! How is any of this possible?” don’t worry. It probably seems strange at first, but once you look at some typical, real-life examples, you’ll see what I mean.

Let’s start with a common offender: bathroom etiquette.

If you’re anything like me, you like the toilet seat down, the towels hung up (instead of left to dry on the floor), and most important of all, a roll of toilet paper instead of just an empty roll. To me, these things are no-brainers. To my beloved, they’re unnecessary procedures.

Now, I’ve gotten mad about this, and kept my anger in, and let it build up inside of me, but that didn’t solve anything. The toilet seed stayed up, the towels stayed down, and the toilet paper never, ever reproduced.

So, I took a good look at my anger, and saw that I was upset because it felt like he didn’t care about tidiness and cleanliness – two things that I really value. But once I realized that he wasn’t disrespecting my values, but just completely unaware of them, I figured that I just had to let him know that tidiness and cleanliness were important to me. And that if we both did certain things (ahem!), we’d be able to share a tidier house and better communication.

You might be thinking that that example was far too easy. But the thing is, we have to learn how to resolve small (even laughable) conflicts. That way, you’ll be better at dealing with stronger feelings of anger.

If you can begin to use anger as a way to examine and focus on yourself, you’ll feel more empowered and in control.

How to Be an Angry Wife or Husband

Before expressing your anger, you might be held back by fear – fear of rejection and of misunderstanding, and all of these fears are legitimate and reasonable. But being able to show your angry side is a wonderful sign of trust. It shows that you believe that your relationship can withstand truth and honesty.

When it comes to communicating your anger, it’s all too easy to succumb to yelling, sarcasm, name calling, and criticizing. After all, we’ve been conditioned to think that anger always looks like that. But you don’t have to do any of these things.

First, you can separate yourself from your anger by saying things like, “I feel angry about this and here’s why.” Secondly, you can prepare by taking full responsibility for your emotions and going in with the intention to create positive change. Lastly, talk to your partner with clear and objective language, using as many “I” statements as possible. This helps to prevent blaming and encourages cooperative conversation.

Changing your mindset about anger and using it to your advantage, will create more peace, better communication and increased intimacy at home.

Featured photo credit: pulse.ng/ via static.pulse.ng

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