Identify Your Attachment Style and Find Someone Who Fits Yours

Ever heard of attachment theory? It’s the theory that explains what kind of attachment we form in our adult relationships, particularly with our romantic partners.

Some relationships have compatible attachment styles. Others are not so lucky. When you end up dating somebody with a different attachment style, it can lead to all kinds of conflict in the relationship. One of these conflicts could be about time. For example, attachment theory explains that some people expect to spend all of their free time with their partners. Other people, however, neither want nor need to spend so much time with their partners. This difference can cause a struggle between two people as they try to agree on how much time to invest in the relationship.

Changing your attachment style is a long and difficult process.

You can definitely try to change your particular attachment style, but that’s a really long and difficult process. According to attachment theory, we develop our attachment style when we are small children. It’s usually based on the relationship we had with our parents.

Instead, we’re going to talk about the different types of attachment styles and which combinations are better for relationships. If you can identify your exact attachment style, you can find a partner who fits your needs. This, of course, is the ideal situation. If you’re already in a relationship, however, and your attachment combination isn’t so good, don’t worry! There’s still hope for you and your significant other.

Four attachment styles.

Attachment theory identifies 4 types of attachment styles:

Secure – You tend to feel secure and close to your partner, while still respecting each person’s independence.

Insecure Anxious – You tend to feel unhappy in your relationships and sometimes act possessive of your partner. You worry a lot that you will lose your significant other, who you depend on for your happiness.

Insecure Avoidant – You tend to put distance between yourself and your partner, doing everything possible to avoid an emotional connection. Your partner may feel that you are not concerned with the relationship.

Insecure Disorganized – You have difficulty trusting other people and experience a variety of fears, including: getting too close to your partner or being too distant. Your emotions tend to change quickly, which keeps you in a constant state of confusion.

Each attachment combination has a different outlook for the relationship.

Positive Outlook

If either person has a secure attachment style, then the relationship has a positive outlook. Attachment theory tells us that the person with a secure attachment style is able to validate their partner’s concerns. They can even help their less secure partner overcome their insecurities.

Challenging Outlook

The anxious + anxious combination is challenging. People with this attachment style are able to read small changes in emotion and behavior. This perceptive ability combined with their anxious insecurity results in jumping to conclusions.^[1] In short, two insecure anxious people have the potential to experience a relationship full of drama, jealousy, and arguments. The same happens for the insecure disorganized + insecure disorganized combination.

When an avoidant one pairs up with another avoidant one, there’ll be little communication, which may seem to be fine at the beginning as both aren’t demanding. But as time goes by the connection will become weaker and it’s hard to sustain the relationship.

Toxic Combination

If the two attachment styles are anxious and avoidant, things are going to be difficult. You should probably mentally prepare yourself for the kind of issues that this combination might bring to your life. If you’re thinking about getting into this romance, think again.

Interestingly, these two types of attachment are often drawn together. That’s because they almost complement each other. An anxious person has fear of losing their partner and so they wait for the avoidant person to decide to commit to the relationship. This combination validates the avoidant person’s behavior.^[2]

As insecure disorganized style is a combination of the anxious type and the avoidant type, when the anxious side comes up, it’ll be a disaster with the avoidant type. When the avoidant side comes up, conflicts will arise with the anxious type. That’s why both insecure disorganized + insecure avoidant and insecure disorganized+ insecure anxious are not likely to work.

Be honest with yourself to identify your attachment style.

In order to find someone who fits your attachment style, you must first identify it. Think about the way you react to the things your partner does.

If they tell you they’ll call at 6:00 pm and they don’t call until 6:30 pm, do you spend that half hour worrying what could have possibly gone wrong? Do you start feeling vulnerable or thinking you’ve probably been abandoned? Be honest with yourself, you’ve probably been known to pout or start arguments with your partner. Sound familiar? You’re probably an insecure anxious type.

Think about how you feel after you spend a lot of time with your significant other. Do you need some time to yourself? Or maybe you feel like being in a long term relationship means you’ll lose your identity or independence. If this sounds like you, you could be have an insecure avoidant attachment type.

Observe your partner’s behavior to find out their attachment style.

It may seem more difficult to identify your significant other’s attachment style, but it’s not impossible. You might not know exactly how they feel internally, but you can observe their behaviors. Think about how they react to your concerns. If you’ve had a bad day and you come home talking about it, what do they say? Do you feel ignored, like they just aren’t interested? They might have an insecure avoidant attachment style.

What happens when you’re running late to a date? If they start sending texts after only 3 minutes to ask if you’re still coming, they might be an anxious type.

No relationship is perfect and certainly no relationship is bound to fail just because of attachment styles. By understanding your person attachment style and that of your partner’s, though, you can make real progress toward ensuring your future happiness together.

Reference

[1]	^	The-Love-Compass: Attachment Pairings: Find the Best Fit
[2]	^	ArtOfWellbeing: 14 Things You Need to Know About Adult Attachment Theory

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See How Your Brian Can Ruin Any of Your Workout or Healthy Eating Plans.

Exercising. You look great when you do it, you feel amazing when you get through a routine, but sometimes you just can’t muster the motivation to get moving. It’s so easy to tell yourself that you can skip a day, and pick up where you left off on the following day. But you tell yourself that the next day. And the next day. You see where this is going. After a few days of pushing it off, you’ll just abandon the work-out routine altogether.

Dieting can be just as tricky. Cheat days come so far and few between, and sometimes you really just want to eat a flippin’ cookie! With proper diet planning, there is plenty of room for cookies. But that is not the point. Just because we want something, doesn’t mean that it’s going to manifest itself. In order to get the results that we desire, we need to put the work in.

Our brains have created shortcuts to goals, that’s why we now want to burn fat instant as lightning

Social media gets a lot of heat for altering the way in which we view ourselves and how we think that our lives should be. To be brutally honest, it’s well deserved. Many of us have become addicted to the pleasure that instant-gratification illusion from social media has provided us with (instant likes, which translates into approval from our peers). Many marketers^[1] use this technique to attract us to their products. This addiction to instant-gratification puts us at a disadvantage. Because now, we just expect things rather than seek ways to earn them.

Many of us unknowingly have succumbed to time preference ^[2], a concept where we put a heavier emphasis on short-term outcomes rather than long-term. In the moment, we tell ourselves that it is okay not pursue a goal, because at the moment we are comfortable^[3] where we are. This relates to why so many people give up on their workout routines and goals; because the “burn” is causing them discomfort, or because they are not seeing the results that they desire right away. In order to breathe some life back into our ambition, we need to kick the need for instant gratification, and focus on the big picture.

The story of marshmallows does give your life outcome some hints

In a study orchestrated by Walter Mischel, a professor at Stanford University in the late 1960’s to the early 1970’s, studying the effects of delayed gratification.

A group of children were given the choice between receiving one small reward immediately, or receiving two small rewards if they chose to wait. The waiting period was for about 15 minutes, where the tester would leave the room for this time and return with the two small prizes. The prizes were usually cookies or pretzels, but sometimes marshmallows were used, hence the name.

Years later a follow-up study was conducted on the now grown up children of the Marshmallow Experiment. The results showed that a majority of the children who had chosen to wait for the larger reward achieved better life outcomes down the line. These achievements were determined by factors such as SAT scores, educational attainment, and body mass index.

When we are willing to wait and work towards a greater outcome, we tend to appreciate it more when we finally achieve it. A personal example of this dates back to my childhood/ early adolescents. My dad always provided me with what I needed, but if I wanted something, I had to work for it. Obviously as a 10 year old I didn’t have the means or working papers to afford what I wanted, so I would offer to perform jobs around the house, or put up my birthday money to pay half the cost of a digital camera, or whatever it was my heart was after. I appreciated and cared for my possessions because I had worked for them. I wouldn’t have viewed them to be as valuable if they had just been given to me.

This appreciation for dedication and future outcomes are the foundation to fitness and a healthy lifestyle. You need to push passed the temptation to put it off until tomorrow, or bail on your diet, because doing so will only make you feel down on yourself in the future. Stick to your plan, and not only will you look better, but you will feel better, be healthier, and will be less likely to acquire health complications down the road.

Keep going and you will never want to leave work-out alone!

As someone who tries to work out daily, I know how hard it is to get into the swing of things and make it a habit. I’ve been guilty of cutting routines short, or skipping them, only to later stuff my face with countless tacos followed by cake. But I also know how satisfying it is when you commit to a healthy diet (with prospective cheat days of course), and seeing those sexy results in the mirror. It also improves your mood and overall energy level, so once you get going, you’ll start to look forward to your work-outs! (Or at least the post-work out pride).

The road to health and fitness is a long and harrowing one, but it always leads to greatness. Denying the desire to give in to momentary pleasures such as cutting a routine short, or skipping it altogether will lead you to the euphoric pleasure you will get from achieving the body you want. So don’t give up. Stick to your goals.

Featured photo credit: Eat This, Not That! via google.com

Reference

[1]	^	Entrepreneur:The Psychology of Instant Gratification and How It Will Revolutionize Your Marketing Approach
[2]	^	Psychology Today:10 Reasons We Rush for Immediate Gratification
[3]	^	Entrepreneur:How Our Brains Trick Us Into Choosing Instant Gratification Over Long-term Goals

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How to Handle Criticism and Not to Take It Personally

Have you ever asked someone for their opinion about something and received a response that was overly critical, vague, slightly hurtful or down right rude? You ask something like, “How do I look?” And you are met with this reply: “the shoes are ok, but that dress makes you look homely and you really should wear make up.”

What do you do with that response? Do you accept the fact that the shoes are okay and ignore the rest? Should you be hurt or offended?

The fact of the matter is accepting feedback and constructive criticism is tough. Our first inclination is to adopt a defensive posture and either deflect, explain or make excuses for the critical area. Criticism and feedback that are constructive and accurate are necessary evils tied to growth and success. You have to learn how to handle it without lashing out or becoming disillusioned.

Asking the right questions brings the right criticism.

One of the most efficient ways to take some of the sting out of criticism and to ensure it truly is constructive in nature is to ask the right questions. If you ask vague and open-ended questions be prepared for vague responses that miss the mark. Asking “how do I look,” is an open invitation for abuse. That question leaves nothing–regarding your appearance–out of bounds. However, asking “does the color and style of these shoes work with this outfit,” is a much more precise and targeted question. And you are more likely to get a very targeted and precise answer.

Asking the right questions, tells the critiquer what specifically to focus on. When you request feedback–of any kind–you invite and empower the responder to look for and point out your flaws. The more open-ended and vague the request, the more power you give them. Asking targeted questions not only assists you in getting the appropriate information you need, it also provides the person providing the feedback a clear area of focus. All of their attention is directed to one specific area and this helps to eliminate the tendency people have to look for something to criticize.

Below are a few ways to help you get accurate and targeted feedback:

1. Make your questions as specific as possible.

Ask about specific situations — for example, what could you have done differently in a particular meeting or situation. Avoid the generic “so, how am I doing,” questions and ask about specific aspects of your performance, a particular project or interaction. Tailor your questions to suit the type of feedback you need. Ask both specific and open-ended questions.

2. Ask clarifying questions.

When the critiquer is providing you with feedback asks questions to ensure you clearly understand what he or she is telling you. Be careful of your tone and body language during this part of the process. You don’t want to appear defensive. The questions should be designed to help you understand the message and it should not appear that you are questioning the individual. Ask for specific examples or instances so that you have a point of reference for the criticism. And finally, when appropriate, solicit suggestions on how you can correct the behavior.

3. Listen and don’t defend.

As humans, we’ve been conditioned to respond not to understand. As soon as we hear a portion of what someone is saying and believe we know where they are headed, we quit listening and begin constructing our response. This is especially true when we hear negative criticism about our self. However, if you can learn to take a deep breath and focus on listening to ensure you understand what is being said you can turn negative criticism into a positive change that moves you forward.

Listening intently, will also help you better decipher between true criticism and criticism that is framed in emotion. Emotions change and criticism birth from emotion, most likely will change as well. Learning to decipher between the two can save you a lot of unnecessary heartache.

4. Consider who you ask.

Before you solicit feedback, consider who you are asking. Is it a friend who is going to tell you what you want to hear? Does this person enjoy having power over you? Does he or she have anything to gain from your interaction? Is this person qualified to provide you accurate feedback? Do you respect the person? Is this person a person of consequence– someone you respect, admire and value in the area in which you are seeking feedback?

Before accepting and internalizing feedback–positive or negative–always consider the source. Some feedback isn’t worth your time or attention.

5. Deconstruct the feedback.

Once you’ve requested, heard and clarified the feedback, then you can process it. Do you have a clear picture of what the issue is? Is this something that you need to change? Is this an isolated incident with mitigating circumstances? What is the context and sub-context of this issue. Is this something you can change? Do you have a plan to address this issue if it needs to be addressed?

If you can’t answer these questions, you may need to go back and ask more clarifying questions or seek a bit more insight.

6. Evaluate the feedback.

The final step in soliciting and accepting life-changing feedback is a process of evaluation which you must do for yourself. You must answer the question–is this something I should accept, internalize and work on? Do you agree with all or some of what you’ve heard? You make this decision after you’ve considered the source and all the surrounding circumstances. If you’ve correctly completed the other five steps, the answer will be obvious. You’ll know if the feedback is valuable or not–even if you don’t like it.

Getting useful feedback is one of the fastest routes to growth and improved performance. It’s not always an accurate reflection of who you are — but it is an accurate reflection of how you’re perceived. Knowing how you’re perceived is critically important if you want to increase your influence as a leader, or move up within your organization. Hearing the truth can be tough, however, not hearing it could be detrimental.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

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Find Out Your Chronotypes and You Will Know When Will Be Your Peak Productive Time.

Sometimes it’s exhausting to perform all our daily tasks, and we wish to feel more energized. So, we drink yet another coffee, or another energy drink, or if we are lucky enough to have time, we take a nap. But still, we feel tired, if not more tired. There is plenty of advice out there telling us what to do to keep our energy level high during the day. Sleep 8 hours, go to bed before midnight, drink plenty of water and so on. But have you ever woken up after 8-hour sleep and felt tired?

Well, sometimes it’s not about doing all the right things, but WHEN you do them. If you want to maximize your energy levels, it’s all about timing. Having the energy to carry out important tasks means you need to identify your chronotype, and then adjust your schedule accordingly to see the most productive results.

Michael J. Breus, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who specializes in sleep disorders and in his book The Power of When, he names 4 different chronotypes. Your chronotype is actually a kind of inner clock which determines the best time for performing various activities, such as sleeping, eating, working, and so on. Thus, Breus created 4 new chronotypes and linked them to 4 animals, breaking down the best times for different activities for each type, based on preferences, hormones and biology.

What are the four different chronotypes?

Dolphin

Dolphins in nature are light sleepers as they only rest one half of the brain while the other half is alert, and even the small noise can wake them up. If your chronotype is dolphin, it means you are intelligent, perfectionists, nervous and have a difficult time to fall asleep as you worry about so many details. You have a low sleep drive, and you often lay at night going through your past mistakes thinking what you could have done differently, thus you wake up feeling tired. You love to exercise, but not because you want to lose weight – you don’t need that as you have fast metabolism. You can be little obsessed with what you eat or drink.

If all this sounds quite familiar, then you are definitely the dolphin type. Dolphins can function with just 6 hours of sleep, and their ideal time for going to bed is around 11.30 p.m. and waking time around 7.30 a.m. or earlier. When doing complex activities, it’s important to be at your peak when your brain is most active, and that’s from 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. for dolphins. If you wish to relax and recharge during the day, the best activities are yoga and meditation.

Lion

Lions are very optimistic, love mornings and rising up early. They feel most energized and productive in the morning. They are leaders who develop the strategic way of thinking. Lions are very organized and they don’t like to take big risks, but rather apply their analytical thinking when facing challenges. The most comfortable role for them is the role of the leader in any situation, and even when troubles come, they will take a step back and make adjustments to their strategy. Junk food is not their thing, and they try to eat really healthy, except when they are upset.

If you are a lion, the perfect time to hit the sack is around 10 p.m. and ideal wake up time is from 5.30 a.m. to 6 a.m. As lions love morning, this is the time when you should get all the important things done – ideally between 8 a.m. and 12 p.m. Lions also love to exercise with high intensity – as this is also one of the ways for them to achieve goals and feel proud of themselves.

Bear

Bears are fun, outgoing and sociable people. It’s easy for them to make friends and form close relationships. They like to be a part of the team and even though they may not be as focused as lions, they get things done. As the real animal, the bear type follows a solar-based schedule with maybe a nap in between. They are really active during the day and rest when the sun goes down, 7-8 hours minimum and probably some more if they can. Don’t be surprised if you see a bear groggy in the morning – they need some time to wake up. When it comes to food, bear are not really picky and they can always eat.

If you are a bear, you probably like to go to bed around 11 p.m. and wake up around 7.30 a.m. Those are the ideal times for a bear even though bears can sleep until 12 p.m. if they have nothing else to do. As they need some time to wake up and feel energized, bears are at their peak from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. – that’s the ideal time for tasks requiring focus. This type likes to be around people and bears get bored if they are alone for some time.

Wolf

Wolves are night creatures, and surprisingly very emotional, creative, insightful and intuitive. They are the artistic type who feels most productive in the evening. Wolves are a bit introverted, and you’ll probably see them sitting in a corner at some party, rather than being in the spotlight. Yet, if they are in the good mood they can become the life of the party. They like to experience new things, they are spontaneous and impulsive. People often characterize them as fearless and they don’t run away from risky situations, in fact, they often find themselves in such situations. They don’t really take much care about what they eat or drink, thus they have a tendency to obesity, and they tend to suffer from depression and anxiety more than other types.

If you are a wolf, then you probably don’t go to bed before midnight and get up late. If you need to get up really early, better set two alarm clocks. Wolves are most productive and creative from 5 p.m. to midnight. They are truly the night owls and this is their time to shine.

When it comes to staying energized thought the whole day, that is really hard and almost impossible for every type. The best thing we can do is to listen to our biological clock and figure out when we are most productive and try to do as much work as we can during that period. It is important to listen to your organism and find balance between work and rest.

To find out what your chronotype is and what  your peak hours are during the day, take What’s Your Chronotype? quiz and find out!

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How to Be the Top 10% No Matter What You Do

90% of people look for instant formulae to success, not realizing that when it comes to the path of success, there are no shortcuts. Hard work, a dedicated perseverance towards a goal and regular skill practice is what would get you there. You may be intensely talented but to actually reach the peaks, you need to hone that talent by sheer practice, and by deliberate practice. ^[1]

Be you a sports fan or golf aficionado or not, you must have heard of Ben Hogan’s impeccable record and his surgeon-like precision of a golf swing, and he did this by breaking down the game of gold into small parts – each of which he analyzed and repeatedly practiced till he achieved ultimate mastery. That is the art of deliberate practice.

As Ben Hogan so rightly remarked, “As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.” We all must ensure we make it a good round…

Deliberate Practice: Identify Your Weaknesses First

The key to deliberate practice is simple and follows the same pattern, till the time success is reached. The first step is to break the overall process down into parts, the second is to identify your weaknesses, the third is to test new strategies for each section, and finally the fourth step is to integrate your learning into the overall process. The fifth step is to repeat! ^[2]

Most people look for immediate results based on nothing more than the human process of natural growth. But for our growth to be deliberate, our practice has to be equally deliberate too! So the key to how to be successful, is a mastering of your skill set.

Think about it this way, if you ever started out by following your heart, and learning a new skill, say dancing – were you able to master it by merely assuming you would? No, right? You’d have to practice your moves, consult a teacher, get to know and then work on correcting your mistakes in theory as well as in practice and then probably do it all over again till you are able to master the moves, the posture, the expression and finally, the body language!

How Deliberate Practice Leads to Great Achievements

Remember that deliberate practice is not putting in some extra time at work or working 60-80 hours weeks. Deliberate practice is when you focus on just one aspect of your work and then start to improve upon that – deliberately and repeatedly, no matter how much time it takes, and that is the most important aspect to how to be successful. Here are a few examples of deliberate practice that famous, and successful people have employed to make themselves better at what they do.

Mozart’s 10 Years of Silence

John Hayes, a cognitive psychology professor at Carnegie Mellon University, wanted to know that how much practice it took, in terms of time, before you could produce a masterpiece. So he studied over 500 music pieces composed by 76 different composers and discovered that it took all at least ten years of solid practice before they were able to churn out a masterpiece in music – including Mozart. ^[3]

Kobe Bryant’s 800 Shoots

A story pretty well known in sports circle is that of Kobe Bryant’s deliberate practice. As team trainer Robert recalls it after seeing it firsthand, “Kobe Bryant started his conditioning work around 4:30 am, continued to run and sprint until 6 am, lifted weights from 6 am to 7 am, and finally proceeded to make 800 jump shots between 7 am and 11 am. And then Team USA had practice!” For Kobe, his goal was 800 baskets, the time spent doing it was immaterial… For Kobe, his route to how to be successful was simple – to keep practicing.

A Decade of Practice Under The Masterchef

Jiro Ono is a chef and the owner of an award-winning sushi restaurant in Tokyo and his technique has been the subject of a documentary too. Jiro is no ordinary chef for he has dedicated his life to perfecting the art of making sushi. And he expects the same of his apprentices too if they want to work with him. In fact, each apprentice must master one tiny part of the sushi-making process at a time like how to wring a towel, how to use a knife, how to cut the fish! So much so that one apprentice trained under Jiro for ten years before being allowed to cook the eggs! ^[4]

As a professor of psychology at The Florida State University Anders Ericsson puts it, “the sole reason you aren’t a virtuoso violinist, or an Olympic athlete, or another kind of world-class performer, is that you haven’t engaged in a process called “deliberate practice”.”

Tips To Keep In Mind For Deliberate Practice

Stay Just A Little Above Your Abilities

Think about it this way, you may know how to write a good page or an essay. To go a little above and beyond your current skills, try writing a short story or even a long-from article. Don’t try to go from 0 to 100 in 60 seconds – deliberate practice is not a race – it’s a journey that makes you reach your goal, the perfectionist’s way.

Stay Goal Oriented

Before you try to get better at something, you have to know what it is that you are trying to do. One good way to watch a master or an expert at work – then you have a goal in mind that this is the level of expertise you too want to reach.

Break It Down

Rome, as they say, wasn’t built in a day – and neither will your mastery in a skill. Whenever you attempt something new or even try to get better at what you already “know” – break it down into smaller parts. Attempt it part by part and master the basics before you attempt the more convoluted parts.

Find A Good Teacher

We cannot be objective about ourselves so if we want to improve ourselves, we need a teacher, guide or friend who can point out our flaws, or missing gaps so that we can improve everywhere we lack. Get someone, be it your teacher or mentor to keep giving you feedback and remember to take criticism constructively. This is very important in you search in how to be successful.

Remember that if you truly want to better yourself and reach 100% proficiency in something, you have to keep trying and keep practicing without bothering about the time or the effort spent. And you have to be patient and persevering about it if you do want to rise above the average and truly master what you so desire to! ^[5]

Featured photo credit: Heisenberg Media via flickr.com

Reference

[1]	^	James Clear: Beginners Guide To Deliberate Practice
[2]	^	Mel Robbins : 5 Deliberate Steps To Master A Skill
[3]	^	James Clear: Deliberate Practice
[4]	^	A Learning A Day: Some Reflections On Jiro Dreams Of Sushi
[5]	^	Mission To Learn: Deliberate Practice

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A few phone images of the recent project I completed in New York...

A few phone images of the recent project I completed in New York with the Cactus Store, open through October. Please give a visit if you are in the area, and better photos to follow. 

Just returning to town now, posts to resume early next week. thanks for the patience. 

Valery Busygin - Russian Landscape ArtistThe main thing in...

Valery Busygin - Russian Landscape Artist

The main thing in Valery Busygin’s landscapes - the spiritualized artistic image, a corner of our small planet lovely to heart which should be loved and which needs caress and protection.
So there is in painting of a landscape deeply humanistic, universal, civil subject of responsibility of the Personality to History and the Nature".  G. Ginzburg

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