Why a Lot of Relationship Experience Doesn't Equate to a Great Marriage

The old school romantic notion of marrying before sex is almost an antique relic. Fully 95% of Americans have had premarital sex. Most men will have had at least 6 relationships, and women 5 before tying the knot. What does all of this experience mean for marriage quality?

At the very least, divorces have been going down since the 1980’s. Even though people continue to use the false “50% of marriages end in divorce” statistic, marriages have been improving for decades.

Whenever the subject of marriage gets brought up, you can be sure that someone will argue against the institution by trotting out the most famous of famous statistics: half of marriages end in divorce. This seems like a slam dunk factoid as to why folks should avoid the altar. There’s just one problem: it isn’t true and hasn’t been for awhile now. – Bret & Kate, The art of Manliness

This may not correlate to people getting more relationship experience, but it doesn’t seem to be a negative. Let’s jump into how a lasting relationship works, and whether or not more more experiences can mean healthier marriages.

They Key to a Lasting Relationship Is Personal Growth

Healthy relationships are not complicated, but people are. A lot of the mystique about healthy relationships has to do with focusing on the wrong things. Many people blame external sources for their failures and successes.

The first place to start a healthy relationship is by taking a good look at ourselves. When things are going wrong it’s too easy to blame others. In relationships, two halves don’t make a whole. Instead, two whole people compliment each other.

Whatever baggage we bring into our relationships is going to affect their longevity and quality. This is why a commitment to personal growth is so important. The better we are, the better the people we’ll attract, and the better our romances will be.

This will affect how our relationship experiences play into a marriage. Better quality experiences will teach an observant person better lessons. For a better experience, work on yourself first.

A couple personal skills which can play into a relationship include:

• Confidence: The way you feel about yourself is going to have a direct effect on the people in your life. Overcoming shyness, building self esteem, and and having a healthy self image are crucial. You’re less likely to stay in a bad relationship if you feel good about yourself.
• Social skills: Being able to read people and understanding the best way to get a message across are big. Without good people skills, it’s hard to let others know how we feel and to understand how they feel. Learning how to positively influence others can help a long term relationship.

It’s Not About Having More, It’s About Learning Wisely

Does the number of relationships we have contribute to a better marriage? Yes and no.

Experience is how we learn. We can get good at almost anything by dedicating time and effort. We can also spend a lot of time doing something and still be horrible. Think bad drivers; many have been on the road for decades and still resemble go cart racers.

For relationship experience to count, we have to be active learners. It’s not enough to simply have relationships. We have to be conscious observers and turn off the autopilot.

Some people learn from experiences and get better. Others learn bad behaviors and repeat them in every relationship. One disaster after another; dating narcissists, manipulators, and psychopaths doesn’t help us.

To learn from a healthy relationship, stay away from toxic people. Chances are that if you keep ending up with toxic personalities, there’s a lesson about your own personality that you’re missing.

“It’s about the individual. Some people are ready to meet ‘the one’ right away; others need more relationships under their belt to learn what works and what doesn’t.” – Charlee Brotherton

More relationship experiences can be great if we learn lessons from those relationships. Often times those lessons are about ourselves. The way to make it count is to act on your new knowledge. Fill in the gaps to make yourself better for your current or next relationship.

Getting some sexual experience, learning to communicate, set boundaries, and gaining clarity on who and what you want in a relationship can all contribute to a better marriage.

The key here isn’t necessarily having more relationships, it’s learning from the ones you do have. Some people may go through more experiences to absorb the same lessons.

Prepare Yourself for a Loving Relationship

People make plans for all sorts of things but often neglect their personal lives. If you go to a personal trainer, he’s going to set a diet plan, workout schedule, and rest intervals. If building a better body is worth making a plan, why don’t we have action plans for our love lives?

Knowing a few stats can help make a better plan. So can experiencing multiple relationships or focusing on a few, high quality romances. Either way, learning from our experiences while growing into a better person is going to have the biggest effect.

Understand the Reality of Relationships

A lot of people run on autopilot and make no effort to learn what it takes to have a successful marriage. Recognize the differences between men and women to better understand sexual polarity, attraction, and our different needs.^[1]

Pay attention to your relationships and build the skills you need for the long run. Be a student of life for the best results.

Be Patient for the Right Partner

Don’t settle for second best. This is one area where dating multiple partners can pay off. It’s often necessary to play the field to find the right partner. What a lot of people do is settle for whomever gives them some attention. This is needy behavior and won’t help to make a strong marriage.

It’s perfectly possible to marry the first person you date and do well, but more often than not it’s pure luck. Expand your options so you can pick the right person for you.

Don’t Rush to the Altar

Rushing into a marriage can have numerous consequences. For one, it takes years to really get to know someone. All sorts of things will boil to the surface after spending years with an individual. Second, waiting a few years can teach you how to navigate a relationship.

“Dating 3 or more years before getting engaged leads to a much more stable marriage. This finding probably comes as no surprise, but it should stand as a warning to those who are eager to get married right away. Don’t jump into marriage before you really get to know someone.” – Randal Olsen

Here’s one factor where multiple relationships aren’t an advantage. We can learn important lessons by sticking with the same person.

Commit to Personal Growth

Probably the most important factor of all. No relationship is going to survive a bad character. It’s important to look to yourself for the causes of any problems.

Not taking full responsibility for our outcomes means bouncing from one relationship to another, never getting what we want. After all, wherever you go, there you are, and your problems too. Carrying our baggage from one relationship to another is a sure way to poison the well.

By committing to personal growth you’ll learn about yourself, other people, and important life skills. Being our best selves means we’ll have more to offer our ideal partner.

Featured photo credit: Carly Rae Hobbins, Unsplash via unsplash.com

Reference

[1]

^

Last First Date: How to Make Men Fall in Love (From a Men’s Dating Coach)

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The Power of Deep Thinking: Essence of Creativity

True or False: “This sentence is false.”

What was your answer to the question above? Did you quickly fire off an answer or did you have to think about it and then think about it some more?

Imagine for a moment that you could put on a set of inverted goggles and see the world through an entirely different lens. On one hand, you would literally see differently, but you might not view the world differently. If we look deep enough and allow ourselves to observe from a new lens, we will. Thomas S. Kuhn remarked in The Structure of Scientific Revolutions,^[1]

“What a man sees depends upon what he looks at and also upon what his previous visual conceptual experience has taught him to see.”

The power of deep thinking is the essence of creativity. By learning how to think differently and deep, you will find that it is not only your creative thinking, but your critical thinking skills that vastly improve. This leads to higher levels of thinking and powerful problem-solving skills that you simply did not have before.

Let’s take a look at what deep thinking is, why you should learn about it, and what it will do for you.

How Do You Know That You Know the Stuff You Think You Know?

Have you heard the saying, the more you know the less you know? If you haven’t, take a moment and think about that phrase. By looking at the Theory of Knowledge, we can pose the following question: How do you know that you know the stuff you think you know?

Let’s look at an example. Solve the following: 2 + 2 = ?

I am hoping you answered 4! Yet, let’s take a look at another way to look at this. In Plato and Platypus Walk into a Bar by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein, we find the following story.

A western anthropologist is told by a Voohooni that 2 + 2 = 5. The anthropologist asks him how he knows this. The tribesman says,

“By counting, of course. First, I tie two knots in a cord. Then I tie two knots in another cord. When I join the two cords together, I have five knots.”

Deep Thinking Is Thinking About Thinking

Rene Descartes famously stated, “Cogito ergo sum” or “I think, therefore I am” where he believed thinking as the essential characteristic of being human.

In Why the World Doesn’t Seem to Make Sense, Steve Hagen discussed that Descartes arrived at the cogito through an experiment in radical doubt to discover if there was anything he could be certain of; that is, anything that he could not doubt away.^[2] Hagen commented,

“He started out by doubting the existence of the external world. Then he tried doubting his own existence. But doubt as he would, he kept coming up against the fact that there was a doubter. Must be himself! He could not doubt his own doubting.”

Essentially, Metacognition is awareness of one’s awareness. It is thinking about thinking or cognition about cognition.

1. Meta means Beyond
2. Cognition means Thinking

Thus, Metacognition means Beyond Thinking.

To be aware, it refers to the ability of the mind to stand back and watch itself in action. Here, we are able to examine the way we learn, remember, and think. The knowledge of how we process information gives us the opportunity to change how we process it. ^[3]

Can We Really Know What Anything Is?

Hagen poses the following question in his book Why the World Doesn’t Seem to Make Sense: Here it is, but what is it? Do we truly know what something is?

Hagen remarks,

When we try to answer this, have we merely answered the question “how do we conceive of it?” or “what do we call it?” Some deeper question remains.

For example, if I say, “Here, in this cup, is water,” you may ask, “What is water?” But as scientists we might wish to point out, “Water is hydrogen and oxygen.” Thus, by using scientific methods it seems we can discover what water is “made of.”

With confidence we say, “What is really in this cup is hydrogen and oxygen, combined and transformed into this unique substance we call ‘water’.” But the questions continue.

Hagen concludes, “What is hydrogen? What is oxygen? And so we look again, using scientific methods, and say, “Hydrogen is an element made of atoms, each consisting of a single proton and a single electron.”

But still the questions remain: what are atoms? What are protons and electrons? It seems that we’ve started on a never-ending regression. At no time do we ever really get to the other end of the question: “What is water?” We can name the mind object, even break it down and name its parts, but we still don’t really answer the question.”

Reading this passage leaves me to ask myself: can we ever really know what anything is? Let’s look at another example from Hagen.

He illustrates just how strange our world is through the conversation between a physicist and a philosopher:

Physicist: …and so we conclude an electron is a particle.

Philosopher: But you also claim an electron is a wave.

Physicist: Yes, it’s also a wave.

Philosopher: But surely, not if it’s a particle.

Physicist: We say it’s both wave and particle.

Philosopher: But that’s a contradiction, obviously.

Physicist: Are you then saying it’s neither wave nor particle?

Philosopher: No, I’m asking what you mean by “it.”

A Gap in the Stream of Consciousness

You might be wondering what the difference is between Metacognition and Cognition.

• Cognition. This is the process of acquiring knowledge for understanding. Cognition is thinking.
• Metacognition. This relies on awareness and control of cognitive processes. Metacognition will help you find gaps in your learning and thinking. However, you must have acquired some previous knowledge about a topic prior to Metacognition. As mentioned earlier, Metacognition goes beyond just thinking… it is thinking about thinking.

Now that you have an understanding of the fundamental principle behind deep thinking, let’s take a look at how to develop it.

In the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle,^[4] we learn the following lessons.

Constantly Observe Your Mind Without Judging Your Thoughts

Here we should ask one simple question, “What will my next thought be?” Try it. Can you think of your next thought? Probably not.

By continually asking this question, you can delay the arrival of your next thought. This is due to what is called the quantum zeno effect, where we can freeze our current state by observing it. Essentially, there can be no change while you are watching it.

Life Is Simply a Series of Present Moments

Here we are informed that the past is simply all the present moments that have gone by. Tolle posits that the only important time is the present, for which we think about the least. Furthermore, the present is simply future present moments waiting to go by.

Imagine leaving your body and watching yourself think. Think of this as a mental movie where your goal is not to judge the actors, but to simply observe them.

Tolle refers to entering into the Now or the Present as creating a gap in the stream of mind. Asking yourself the question “What will my next thought be?” creates that gap and allows you to dis-identify from your mind. Once you do this, you have elevated yourself above thought. This is Enlightenment.

Stages of Deep Thinking

Before we look at strategies you can use to become a deep thinker, let’s briefly look at the stages of deep thinking known as the Three Levels of Thought. ^[5]

• Level 1: Lower Order Thinking. The individual is not reflective, has a low to mixed skill level, and relies solely on gut intuition.
• Level 2: Higher Order Thinking. The individual is selective on what to reflect on, has a high skill level, yet lacks critical thinking vocabulary.
• Level 3: Highest Order Thinking. The individual is explicitly reflective, has the highest skill level, and routinely uses critical thinking tools.

Strategies to Become a Deep Thinker

To enter into the Highest Order Thinking, try the following strategies.

Increase Self-Awareness by Thinking About Thinking

Imagine you could become aware of how you learn. We know that we must have a baseline of previous knowledge about something to use Metacognition. Think of your Intelligence as what you think and Metacognition as how you think. Let’s look at a series of questions you can ask yourself by using the Elements of Thought.^[6]

• Purpose. What am I trying to accomplish?
• Questions: What question am I raising or addressing? Am I considering the complexities in the question?
• Information: What information am I using to get to my conclusion.
• Inferences: How did I reach this conclusion? Is there another way to interpret the information?
• Concepts: What is the main idea? Can I explain this idea?
• Assumptions: What am I taking for granted?
• Implications: If someone accepted my position, what would the implications be?
• Points of View. From what point of view am I looking at this issue? Is there another point of view I should consider?

Challenge Current Learning Methods Through Meta-Questions

Meta-Questioning is higher order questions we can use to explore ideas and problems. Here are some examples.

• Why did it happen?
• Why was it true?
• How does X relate to Y?
• Why is reasoning based on X instead of Y?
• Are there other possibilities?

Let’s look at a practical example.

• When you say: “I can’t do this.” Change this to: “What specifically can I not do?”
• You say: “I can’t exercise.” Then ask: “What is stopping me?”
• You say: “I don’t have time.” Now ask yourself: “What needs to happen for me to start exercising?”
• You discover: “What time wasters can I eliminate in order to create more time to exercise?”
• Then imagine how you could start exercising: “If I could exercise, how would I do it?”

View the World Through Different Lens

Here is a technique you can use to foster a deeper understanding of a problem—Four Ways of Seeing:

• How does X view itself?
• How does Y view itself?
• How does X view Y?
• How does Y view X?

Try to apply the technique like this: suppose we are in the United States looking at a foreign country. First, draw four boxes, then list the questions. Second, start answering the questions.

• In box #1 ask: “How do we see the United States?”
• Box #2: “How does China see themselves?”
• Box #3: “How does China see the United States?”
• Box #4: “How do you see them?”

Thought Experiments

One last technique you can use to become a deep thinker —Thought Experiments. This is a device of the imagination used to investigate the nature of just about anything. ^[7] Thought Experiments seek to learn about reality through thinking:

• Visualize a situation and set it up in your imagination.
• Let it run or carry out some type of operation.
• See what happens.
• Draw a conclusion.

The team at Stanford describes this using the following example: Since the time of Lucretius, we’ve learned how to conceptualize space so that it is both finite and unbounded. Let’s see how this Thought Experiment can work.

• Imagine a circle, which is a one-dimensional space.
• As we move around, there is no edge, but it is nevertheless finite.
• What can you conclude? The universe might be a three-dimensional version of this topology.

Think Deep, and You Will Think Creatively

Thinking deep will change how you think, feel, and view the world. When you understand this concept, you will start to think beyond simple beliefs.

“When the root is Deep… There is no reason to fear the wind.”

Deep Thinking will change how you think, feel, and view the world. When you understand this concept, you will start to think beyond simple beliefs.

By applying all the skills mentioned in this article, you will be able to think deeper and explore more possibilities.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

[1]	^	Thomas S. Kuhn: The Structure of Scientific Revolutions
[2]	^	Steve Hagen: Why the World Doesn’t Seem to Make Sense: An Inquiry Into Science, Philosophy and Perception
[3]	^	ThePeakLearner: What is Metacognition? 3 Key Points to Remember
[4]	^	Eckhart Tolle: The Power of Now
[5]	^	Thinker’s Guide Library: Critical Thinking Concepts & Tools
[6]	^	Thinker’s Guide Library: Critical Thinking Concepts & Tools
[7]	^	Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy: Thought Experiments

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How to Spot a Liar within Seconds

Lying is pretty high up on the list of negative traits. No one likes to find out they’ve been deceived, yet it’s something nearly all of us do on a regular basis.

According to James Patterson, author of The Day America Told the Truth, among two thousand Americans, 91 percent lied regularly both at home and at work.”

Surprised? Possibly not. Most people aren’t out to deceive us for selfish gain. With loved ones, you’re more likely to be lied to in order to save your feelings from being hurt and we’re usually none the wiser.

But what if you really want to know when you’re being lied to? Can you really tell if you read the signs well enough?

The Biggest Giveaway of a Liar

So how can you spot someone who’s lying? Words are hard to decipher when it comes to lying. What someone says can be rehearsed and controlled especially if a person is particularly good at it.

When it comes to spotting clues, actions really do speak louder than words because it’s all in a person’s gestures. Unlike words, these tend to be uncontrollable and automatic so to know the truth, you have to focus on the body language.

The Crucial Body Language That Exposes a Liar

What exactly are the typical gestures people give away when spinning a lie?

These are the most common signs to look out for.

They smile less when lying

Research has found that people tend to smile less when they’re lying – and especially in men. In his research, Paul Ekman felt this reflects the idea that people associate lying with smiling and so enter into a double bluff by reducing the smile factor. If someone does smile while lying, it tends to be less genuine meaning they smile more quickly and hold it for longer.

They scratch their neck as they feel nervous

Image credit

Another giveaway is when someone scratches the side of their neck just below the earlobe. This usually tends be done in a specific way – namely with the index finger of their dominant hand.

This is a typical signal of insecurity, doubt and uncertainty which is running through the mind of someone who isn’t telling the whole truth.

They tend to touch their faces a lot

Image credit

Bringing a hand to the face is probably one of the most common signs of deception. This could be covering their eyes or putting their hands on their forehead or cheek and most likely stems from childhood characteristics. Children often cover their mouths, cover their ears, or cover their eyes in order to stop talking, stop listening or stop seeing. These are always exaggerated but as we get older these gestures become quicker and less obvious yet still used subconsciously.

It doesn’t always indicate blatant lying, however. It could just mean that the person is holding back information which for some can be seen as equally deceitful.

They cover their mouths uconsciously

Image credit

Covering the mouth, in particular, is a subconscious reflex that can literally mean someone is trying to suppress the deceitful words that are coming out of their mouth. It could manifest as a literal hand over the mouth or even a finger placed over the lips in a ‘ssshh’ gesture. This is likely to come from parents who may have made this gesture to indicate a desire to keep quiet but in adulthood, it could indicate an attempt for someone to tell themselves to withhold feelings or words.

They touch their noses while talking

Image credit

We’re all familiar with Pinocchio’s nose and the effect lying had on it. Scientists at the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago has found the human nose actually expands whilst lying. This is caused by chemicals being released due to the pressure of telling a lie causing the tissue inside the nose to swell.

While you won’t actually be able to see the effects, what does happen is this swelling can create a tingling sensation which the liar will want to itch therefore creating the nose touch.

They pull their collar as their neck tissues become more sensitive while lying

This is a classic tell-tale sign of a liar and the reason behind it comes from the sensitivity of the delicate facial and neck tissues. When someone lies it creates a tingling sensation in these areas which the liar will want to touch. The pressure of lying also causes sweat to increase around the neck which is why the collar pull is so known.

They rub their eyes so as to avoid looking at you

This one is, again, stemmed from childhood. Children often cover their eyes when they don’t want to look at something and this doesn’t entirely leave us in adulthood. We will still subconsciously rub or touch the eye area when we don’t want to look at something (in this case the person we’re lying to). It’s the brain’s coping mechanism to block deceitfulness and the pressure of facing the person we’re deceiving.

Featured photo credit: Burst via pexels.com

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10 Best Lumbar Support Cushions That All Desk Workers Need

There’s another epidemic on the rise and it’s a real pain in the…back. You’re probably even experiencing it right now. 8 out of every 10 Americans will experience back pain at some point in their life, if not chronically.

Not surprisingly, around 54% of those with back pain are desk workers. But the actual cause of the back pain can be difficult to pinpoint. Only 10% of those who seek medical treatment typically find the source of their pain. That means that 9 out of 10 patients will never know what is causing their issue. That is because there are many external factors that could be contributing to the pain such as physical activity, but an association is not the same as finding a cause.

Americans spend around $50 billion a year treating back pain. If we take the measures to prevent damage to our backs, then we can avoid issues down the line. Especially for those of us who spend long hours sitting behind a desk (raises hand), we need good lumbar support to sit properly and give our backs a break.

Here at Lifehack, we have hand picked 10 Lumpar support cushion for you to sit right and keep your back free from pain.

1. Duro-Med Relax-A-Bac, Lumbar Cushion, Lower Back Support Pillow With Wooden Lumbar Support Board and Alignment Strap

This orthopedic design relieves tension and keeps your spine in proper alignment. The lumbar cushion itself is made of highly resilient, shaped memory foam. The convenient elastic strap doesn’t only help to hold the cushion in place, but it makes it easy to transport as well! It’s basic, simple, affordable and great for traveling.

Available at Amazon.

2. Everlasting Comfort 100% Pure Memory Foam Back Cushion – Orthopedic Design for Back Pain Relief – Lumbar Support Pillow With Dual Premium Adjustable Straps

This product is made out of memory foam for a customized fit. It helps to relieve both acute and chronic pain from: back aches, muscle aches, arthritis, stenosis, herniated discs, and general back pain.

Available at Amazon.

3. Angel Sales PosturePro Lumbar Support

Super light weight, you can take it anywhere! The gentle support will cradle your back and help to correct your posture. It’s made from a breathable mesh material that helps to circulate air and keep you cool. It also will conveniently slip over the back of your car seat for a more comfortable ride.

Available at Amazon.

4. Lower Back Lumbar Support – Therapeutic Grade Back Support Cushion

Heads, shoulders, knees and toes! This system will keep your ears, shoulders and pelvis in total alignment while still maintaining the natural curve of your spine. You can use it just about anywhere, it’s great for travel and driving. It’s made up of a high quality memory foam that will adjust comfortably to your unique shape.

Available at Amazon.

5. Fellowes Professional Series Back Support

This here is a two-tiered support system that features a mid-spinal support to improve posture. And a lower lumbar support that conforms to the natural curve of your body. The innovative Tri-Tachment System eliminates the need for readjustment. The memory foam responds to your weight and warmth for a custom support. To assemble, place the support on your chair, position yourself comfortably, and click the straps into place.

Available at Amazon.

6. The Original McKenzie Lumbar Roll D-Shaped

The supportive roll designed by physiotherapists is positioned just above waistband level you stimulate you into improving and maintaining your posture. The roll is D-shaped, so the flat backside sits against the chair, while the curve of the roll contours to your body. It’s both simple and affordable.

Available at Amazon. 

7. Posture Trainer Back Support – Patented and Trademarked – Free Custom Designed Cover with Straps

This item has been awarded a Gold Medal for the best for Fitness & Wellness in INPEX . The majority of users have reported that they find the back support to be very comfortable and adapt quickly to their backs being placed in Optimal Functional Seating Posture.

Available at Amazon.

8. LoveHome Memory Foam Lumbar Support Back Cushion With 3D Mesh Cover Balanced Firmness for Lower Back Pain Relief – Ideal Back Pillow

Use this product to relieve your back pain and tightness from long term sitting. It supports the natural curve of your back to achieve perfect spinal alignment and promote a healthy posture. Chiropractors recommend that lumbar support or lumbar cushion be used after spinal surgery to promote accurate alignment during healing, and for people who suffer from chronic back pain, Piriformis, Lumbosacral Spondylosis, Fibromyalgia etc. The cushion will never flatten out, the memory foam will hug your back to provide comfort and relief. The extension straps make the lumbar pillow extremely versatile. You can attach it to an assortment of household chairs, car seats, sofas, and wheelchairs.

Available at Amazon.

9. Motion Trend Lumbar Support – Bamboo Charcoal Memory Foam Back Cushion

The high density memory foam makes it so that this pillow never loses its shape. The anti-bacterial, odor resistant bamboo charcoal leaves you always feel fresh and supported. You’ll never slouch or sit improperly with the aid of this high quality lumbar pillow.

Available at Amazon.

10. PrimeTrendz TM Lumbar Cushion in Black

This simple and affordable cushion will help you to maintain good posture. The supportive office chair cushion helps the lumbar and sacral region of the spinal column stay comfortably aligned.

Available at Amazon.

Featured photo credit: Core EM via google.com

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