Sunday, June 18, 2017

How Fake Friendships on the Social Media Get in Your Way of Real Friendships

I created my Facebook account about 8 years ago. At that time, I have accepted (and rejected) plenty of friend requests. But I still had thousands of friends. For the first time since creating my account, I logged in last week and deleted hundreds of them. Why? Because I didn’t have a friendship with any of them.

I love that social media allows us to stay in contact with people we care about, no matter where we live or what time zone we are in. But I don’t love the fake connection it can sometimes create. Just because I know someone went on a family vacation last week doesn’t mean I would have cared about it if I hadn’t seen their pictures in my timeline.

It felt good to purge my friend list of people I didn’t truly have relationships with, but then it got a little weird…a few friends texted me asking why my friend list number had dropped. And a few of the people I deleted actually reached out asking what they had done to upset me. I was shocked; why was anyone paying attention to this? I hadn’t spoken to the people I deleted in years. And yet, people were noticing. This isn’t because I’m some famous internet blogger who the world wants to befriend, but rather a common phenomenon regarding social media: The average person has about double the amount of friends online as they do in real life.[1] But how is that a friendship? And why do we feel connected/important to these strangers?

We unfriend, unfollow and even block people online, but to their faces, we would act like nothing in the world was wrong. So it got me thinking: perhaps we love the illusion of social media friendships because we can act as we would if (in reality) we were not afraid to confront or interact with people honestly.

We don’t know anyone online. No, we really don’t.

Tell me if this sounds familiar: your best friend (in real life) has just gotten off the phone with you. The two of you chatted in depth about how torn she is about her relationship and that she may want to break up with her longtime boyfriend. She’s crying and it’s emotional and you know she’s overwhelmed. But when you hang up with her and check Facebook out of habit, you see she just posted a #TBT to a vacation the two of them took together. All the comments are about how cute they are and how happy people are for your friend’s relationship to be going so well. She “likes” and replies to all the comments with “Awwww, thank you!” and “Yup, he’s pretty amazing!” and you are left feeling utterly confused.

But it makes total sense! We portray the versions of ourselves that we want people to see online. While I will say I’ve had some social media friends clog my timeline with melodrama, for the most part it’s all sunshine and butterflies. While you may know your best friend is actually checking her notifications while crying her eyes out, the rest of her friend list sees a girl who is head over heels in love.

Social media causes us to have this false feeling of intimacy and closeness with people that we actually know nothing about. Scrolling through our friend’s list, we all think we know the person we are connected to online, but would that person call you if something tragic happened? Would you be on the list of phone calls at all? If I was being honest, even with my new, cleaned-up friends list, the answer would still be no.[2]

Beware the false sense of intimacy.

Social media wouldn’t be half as fun if we knew every intimate detail about the people on our friend’s list. But it is important to know who you are actually connected to, vs. who you are virtually connected to.

Think about the celebrities you follow. Maybe it’s your favorite musician and you have been obsessed since before they were even popular. Following them on a social media platform can make you feel close to that person. You know where they love to eat and what their order is because you’ve seen it on Instagram. You know that their grandparent recently passed away, and although you had never met that person, you grieved as if you had lost a relative. We gain a sense of knowing and closeness even though we don’t know one intimate detail.[3]

Weed out the fake friends to salvage relationships with the real ones.

One of my best friends has asked me a few time in the last year, “Am I still your best friend?” This question always surprises me because it doesn’t seem like an insecurity an adult would have. But this question is usually prompted by something I have posted about another friend of mine on social media. It’s caused me to think of the word “friend” and how casually I use it.

We’re conditioned to refer to virtual friends as such because it’s in the name: Friend list. But we’ve already established most of those people are not truly friends. Not to me anyway. If you’re my friend, I want to trust you, confide in you, hang out with you (in real life) and hear your voice-not just see your comments. And if I have made the mistake of getting too caught up in meaningless friendships and putting my real ones on the back burner, that’s a problem.

Delete your friends, not your Facebook.

Social media, in my opinion, is a necessary evil. It’s fun, it’s convenient and it’s a great time fill when you’re bored or waiting in line at a restaurant. But it should not consume you. Nor should it eliminate true relationships. You don’t need to delete all social media accounts (unless of course you want to!), but you should sit down and weed out your friend list. Think of it like tossing out clothes you don’t wear anymore. Have you had a real, off-line conversation with that person in 6 months? A year? If not, delete.

Don’t overthink it.

After I deleted hundreds of people, only a couple actually realized and messaged me apologizing for whatever they had done. Even my case is a rarity! Don’t think you will hurt someone by deleting them. If you truly aren’t close (and you aren’t), there’s a good chance they won’t even notice.

You aren’t going to miss out by missing posts.

When you weed out the fake friends on social media, you may have a momentary fear of missing out. But you won’t. If the people you are deleting were important enough to you to keep up with, you wouldn’t need to delete them! Don’t worry about missing those vacation posts or sappy tags to their significant other. Trust me, you’re better off without that junk on your timeline!

You may get closer to your real friends by deleting the fakes.

Jolie Choi, an editor at Lifehack deleted about half her friend list. And you know what happened for her? She gained clarity. Not just into her own values, but into the lives of people she really did care about. Without all the people she wasn’t even close to spamming her timeline, she was able to catch updates from her actual friends she didn’t see as often as she would like. It no doubt gave her opportunity to reach out and catch up. Her friends list may have shrunk, but her relationships grew stronger. And isn’t that so much cooler than boasting about how many “friends” you have online?

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

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50 Free Online Resources for Self-Motivated Learners

I work full time and often feel that my skills and competencies are becoming redundant as time passes.

New technologies, degrees and more innovative methods of teaching at modern universities clearly give an edge to the younger lot of the workforce who have access to more modern and innovative teaching methods.

In such a scenario, a person like me would always dig out relatively less expensive and readily accessible online resources to upgrade my knowledge and skills so that I can keep up to date with the modern demands of the new work ethics.

Language Learning

Busuu: World’s largest social network for language learning

This is one of the best language websites[1] that allow you to learn new phrases and vocabulary. It has audio recording options, dialogues, writing exercises and native speakers’ interaction.

This is specially a good website to provide a large collection of languages to learn.

Duolingo: A free language learning platform

From the name itself, it is best for getting intensive yet detailed grammar lessons.

Rosetta Stone: Language and literacy education

This web gives you the opportunity to study a new language flexibly. You can learn it according to your own schedule with any device, from anywhere in the world. Since 1992, Rosetta Stone’s language division has been helping all types of learners to read, write, and speak more than 30 languages through cloud-based solutions.

Memrise: A source that makes learning languages and vocabulary full of joy and life

The website utilizes mnemonic flashcards to help you learn vocabulary better. This is great source if you are preparing for SAT or TOEFL.

Career Advancement

EdX: Free online courses for career advancement

The site allows you to explore any topic, subject, or even school in just seconds. It has a smart search bar and free online education from exclusive universities worldwide.

ALISON: Free high quality knowledge and workplace skills training

It has customized courses made to improve your skills in a certain field. Reputable materials are accessible to make you more effective in the office.

Alison is typically good to provide basic education and workplace related skills to improve the practical knowledge of the persons. Most of its courses are free.

Foreign Services Institute: Online resource providing career-long learning opportunities

This is another grammar-based resource that contains materials for listening and speaking.

If you want to improve your speaking skills, this resource is probably one of the finest resources to offer great help in learning basics of refined speaking and listening skills.

Technology Knowledge

GCF Learn Free: Platform to learn essential computer and life skills

Goodwill Community Foundation and Goodwill Industries spearheaded the site’s development for modern skills learning.

 9 Microsoft Virtual Academy: Free Microsoft training delivered by experts

Learn personal computing at your own convenience via this website. It provides an explanation to stuff on the internet, information technology, and cloud computing.

10 Tuts+: Opportunities for people to learn and earn online

Creative technology is considerably easier to learn on this site. It teaches web design, graphic design, coding, business, etc.

Udemy offers a great source on what can be learned easily and on your own pace with little investment.

11 Codecademy: A place to learn coding skills

As the name suggests, you can figure out how programming works via the smart site.

I use codeacdemy to learn coding on data analytics, artificial intelligence, making antivirus app[2] as well as learning how to code for iOS apps. It is a treasure trove for best quality information on coding and programming.

12 HTML Dog: Courses to learn the most common languages used in making web pages

You may learn JavaScript, CSS, and HTML skills from the site. This is a very comprehensive source on learning the basics of web programming and designing and covers a large variety of topics on these issues.

13 HOW Design University: A trusted source for graphic design knowledge

Learn graphic design and interactive creative works via the website.

14 Big Data University: Data science and cognitive computing learning platform

Free and paid courses for data science are accessible on the site, specifically prepared by professionals and professors.

15 Code: Expanding access to computer science

Coding and app development lectures are found on the websites. Kid-friendly courses are also available.

16 Hack Design: Easy-to-follow design courses

Designers supplied 50-unit lesson plan for the site, covering mobile apps, web design, and multimedia application.

17 Skillcrush: An interactive online digital skill learning community

The modules of the site are easy to understand and short, implying beginners will find it highly useful.

18 Udacity: An online university for digital skills

It gives motivated learners opportunity to study higher education and skills for future employment.

19 Stack Exchange: World’s largest programming community

The resource is more of a question and answer lecture source, particularly on programming and technology. Stack exchange is a collaborative site wherein programmers and developers share their code and get tips and advice from other programmers.

Business Success

20 HubSpot Academy: An inbound community which helps people achieve their business goals

Besides lessons, the website provides certifications, which are very helpful for job-seekers.

21 Moz: A great resource for content marketing knowledge

If you are interested in content marketing and search engine optimization, this is the place to be.

This is also a great source for learning SEO and social media marketing. Though limited in its approach, but Moz[3] is a great place to get up to date knowledge on SEO and search engine domination.

22 Lynda: Online learning platform for business, software, technology and creative skills

This is an educational hub that is suitable for professionals. It covers business, marketing, design, and photography among others.

Money Management

23 LearnVest: Advice on money management

Entrepreneurs should access this site for financial management lectures.

With various resource links for self-learning, there is no reason for you to worry if you want to explore more. Enhancing your skills does not always have to come with a fee.

Leisure Learning for Home Schooling

Here’s a list of academic resources that you can access to.

24 OpenLearn: Free access to course materials and expert opinion on topical issues

The online university gives lessons for students to professionals in various formats. It is an award winning portal where all courses are free and are specially focused on politics, arts, humanities and social sciences.

25 Learning Space: Online learning resources with guidelines

The Open University. You can download free online courses from this site and search conveniently depending on user ratings.

26 UMass Boston Open Courseware: Free and open educational resource

This is a place to study political science, psychology, mathematics, early education, and history among others.

This resources is specially good if you are an arts student and do not require hands on training and practical education.

27 Coursera: Universal access to the world’s best education

The website partnered with institutions worldwide to give anyone free online education covering tons of courses.

28 MIT Open Courseware: Web-based publication of virtually all MIT course content

The place provides an independent study that will not disappoint. It even indicates the semester and year the lecture was taught.

MIT being one of the top universities of the world offers a great wealth of course material and course instructions to provide excellent free online education.

29 Academic Earth: A collection of free online courses from the world’s top universities

It covers various subjects and makes course searching easier by using school and subject as categories.

30 Stanford Online: Free online courses taught by Stanford faculty

The courses offered in the site are based on sessions. High quality courses are available that may be completed either using a web browser or iTunes.

31 Tufts Open Courseware: Free access to academic resources

Professors’ lectures are available on the site, particularly presented in slides.

32 Harvard Extension: About 800 academic courses are provided to learn online

Harvard courses are available on the website with top notch materials.

33 Utah State Open Courseware: Course materials under university department available through an open content license

Quick searching and browsing are offered by the site. MP3 files are provided instead of document-based lectures.

34 Open Yale Courses: Lectures and other materials from selected Yale College courses

Yale courses are available on the web portal. Videos of lectures are even uploaded for access.

35 FutureLearn:  High quality online education for different subjects at university

You can access lessons on the site using either your laptop or smartphone. One of its commitments is to propose social learning.

Leisure Learning for Fun And Interests 

36 Free-Ed: Free online courses and other learning resources for a global audience

Apart from its online classes, it allows you to join online groups taking the same course you chose. This site is good for self-learning and was launched in 1997. It offers complete range of courses for people want to engage themselves in lifelong learning and development.

37 Udemy: Global marketplace for learning and teaching online

You can find both free and paid content in the website. If you prefer, you can also build tailored courses from its lessons.

Udemy has become a giant in online learning and now offers courses on almost every topic. Though most of the courses are paid but they are offered at relatively low prices.

Right from teaching how to code to making bluetooth LED Smart Key[4]. you can find top class instructors providing instructions on how to make hardware, earn more money on amazon, be a social media guru or become a top class blogger.

38 Khan Academy: A personalized learning resource for all ages

You get free video lessons from this website, which are broken down for the benefit of someone looking for specific topics only.

Khan Academy is specially good for children as it offers easy to learn courses offering some great free tips on common subjects such as math, physics, chemistry, arts and other school related subjects.

39 iTunesU Free Courses: Instructors’ essentials to bring the classroom together

You can download numerous lessons using your iPhone, iPad, or any Apple device with this free education resource.

This is limited in the sense that you need Apple devices to login to

40 Carnegie Mellon Open Learning Initiative: Innovative online courses to anyone who wants to learn or teach

It offers courses for self-study. The difference is, you must create an account first.

41 Dave Conservatoire: Free online music school

If you want to study both music and art, this online music school is known for providing a world-class education to anyone.

42 Better Explained: Learning platform for mathematics

Mathematics is taught on the website with visual lectures.

43 University of London Podcasts: Free podcasts and video content

From the name itself, you can get free podcasts from the site covering different in-depth topics.

44 BBC Podcasts: Opportunities for exploration in podcasts

Podcasts of different topics are provided weekly on the site. Concentration is on current events, sports, and finance.

45 Ed2go: Hundreds of engaging online courses to learn a new hobby or skill

Affordable online learning courses led by instructors are accessible on this portal.

46 TED-Ed: TED’s youth and education initiative

The site is rich in video-based lectures on new topics and discoveries worldwide.

TED is famous for its talks on contemporary issues and are being delivered all over the world. Since the topics covered on TED are of great variety, this source is specially good if someone is looking to access a large variety of topics with independent opinions of the speakers.

47 LessonPaths: Best education tool by sharing and curating playlists

You can create playlists of lectures on the site, even if other modules are from other sites.

48 National Geographic Kids: Inspiration for young adventurers to explore the world

Younger users will find this site highly entertaining given the courses are posted with images, videos, puzzles, and games.

This is great learning sources through audio visuals and helps the children to learn through visual learning which is considered as more effective as compared to other methods of teaching.

49 SchoolTube: Moderated video sharing platform for students and educators

The platform promotes sharing of videos for K to 12 students and teachers.

To get the full benefits of this resources, parents have to take an active role in helping their kids to learn from schooltube.

50 Open Culture Online Courses: The best free cultural and educational media

It has 1,000 lectures, podcasts, and videos, which are partly found in private sites of universities only.

This site offers aggregation of some of the top quality courses taught at major universities of US and developed world.

Reference

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7 Types of Fake Friends That Are Secretly Bringing You Down

One of Bob Dylan’s most memorable songs, Positively 4th Street starts with the immortal lyrics “you’ve got a lot of nerve to say you are my friend…” the song is a rant against a false friend of his, and when I first heard it. I was struck. Struck by a feeling of recognition, of that there was something intrinsically relatable about the song.

All of us, many times in our lives come across people who present themselves as friends. We come to trust them, spend time with them, but after a while, for whatever reason, their true nature shows itself. They may have mistreated you, ignored you when you needed help, or used you as a tool for their own gains.

These people can be hard to spot, it can be difficult to understand their goals and intentions.[1] But they tend to fall into seven particular categories.[2]

1. The Complimenter / The Lothario

It’s part of human nature to like being complimented, and we in turn often like those who are complimenting us. Beware the complimenter , as they know this. The complimenter throws you with praise and appreciation to get close to you fast. You need to question why they want to get close to you so quickly. What are their goals, it could mean they have confidence issues and are genuinely a great and kind person, but it could mean they want something very particular from you and not your friendship (be wary if the complimenter is of the opposite sex).

Luckily the complimenter is easy to spot, as their over friendliness can easily seem fake (because it is).

2. The Manipulator

The manipulator can be one of the most dangerous forms of fake friends as they are often the most difficult to spot. The manipulator is only effective when they have earned your appreciation and your trust, it is here when their deviousness comes into play. A good friend, a real friend always takes your thoughts and feelings into account, the manipulator has no reason to take these into account as to them you are only a chess piece to move in order to get what they want. Don’t expect them to stick around once they have gotten what they want. Avoid at all costs.

3. The Social Climber

The social climber sees friends as others see expensive clothes or items, something that makes them look good. In their minds they are constantly judging all they associate with, and are ready to drop you or any friend if they feel they are no longer needed as they climb the social ladder. Like the manipulator, they only associate with you if it suits them, and have little regard for your feelings or wants.

4. The Copy Machine

The copy machine is not so much a friend, but a fan. Where the complimenter, the manipulator, and the social climber are shrewd and cunning. The copy machine is willing to drop or modify any aspect of their personality or character to mimic yours. Their end goal for their mimicry is uncertain, but possibly to them there is an aspect to your personality that they want. With good friends, there is the possibility to challenge each other, to grow and find out more about each other. With the copy machine, you are only dealing with a warped mirror image.

5. The Pretender

The pretender is much like the friend Bob Dylan sang about in Positively Fourth Street. They are someone who only acts like your friend when it suits them. They can be friendly, they can even be fun to hang with. But there is no loyalty to them and in the same way they are pretending to be your friend, they are also perfectly happy to pretend that they are not your friend if they think that will negatively affect them.

Most of the time the pretender shows themselves in debts that will never be paid back, borrowed items that aren’t returned. Like many of the fake friends on this list they don’t really think much of your thoughts and feelings as they are not important to them.

True friends are there with you just as much in bad and difficult times as in good times. The pretender never shows when things get tough.

6. The Cheater

Unlike every other entry on this list, the cheater may well once have been a true friend. You might have been important to them, and they may have been important to you. You may even think they are still your friend, when secretly all that has changed. The cheater is a person who stays and acts like your friend when they are secretly doing something that utterly betrays you and your trust. Most commonly this is having a secret romantic or sexual relationship with your partner. Sadly the cheater is only knowable once they have already broken your trust, and until then appears to be a true friend.

7. The Rival

The rival is the least subtle of all fake friends. Unfortunately they are quite common. Have you ever had a friend that, whenever you mention something you or a friend has done, they immediately say something that makes them the focus of attention? Then this a rival.

Every achievement you make is to them a challenge, not something to be duly celebrated. If you get a new TV, they get a bigger one, if you take up a new hobby, then they take it up too with the exclusive intention of becoming better at it than you. What’s worse, is that if they can’t beat you, then they move to spoil your enjoyment, eventually they cease being your friend then become an enemy. They never were your friends to begin with.

There is no single way of spotting a fake friend. But ultimately it comes down to these things.

Is there something fake about the way they interact with you, and you often feel worse off after spending time with them? These are two major red flags, and may very well suggest your social circle has been infiltrated by a fake friend.

Make a note of how real friends treat you compared to the fake friend. The difference will be clear.

Importantly, if they are difficult to engage with and seem to have no real interest in spending time with you, then grant them their wish and keep them at a distance. There is no point in respecting someone who doesn’t respect or have much time for you.

Your first instinct may be to reach out even more in this situation, but this can only leave you feeling unwanted and unliked. Always put your own personal and emotional needs first.

Ask yourself if the person is ever a bully.

This might not be outright and obvious, but it can be a lack of caring when you are suffering. Often times fake friends, in particular the manipulator use emotional blackmail to get what they want from you. Don’t fall for it.

Now here comes the hard bit.

Ask yourself how much their friendship means to you.

You might have noticed that some times in your life that you hang out with and spend time with people for no real reason. Perhaps you spend time with them almost out of force of habit. This is a similar situation.

You should consider if you truly enjoy spending time with them. Or if they seem to hurt or sadden you.

If you still want to be their friend then you have two options.

Keep them at the distance that you are comfortable with, with full knowledge of how they act and operate. Alternatively, you can tell them how they feel and risk offending them, or them cutting the friendship. It is possible that this will make them more aware of their negative behavior and may seek, over time to become a true friend, but this shouldn’t be expected.

It’s important to realize that friendships have a natural ebb and flow. Even real friends may one day stop being your friend one day. People naturally drift apart, becoming increasingly distant, and distant until no more connection is made. If you no longer want to be friends, then ultimately you just need to stop trying to be friends. Eventually they will get the message.

Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io

Reference

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Love Hurts: How to Deal with the Pain That Comes in 6 Different Stages

How many times have you asked yourself, “What is love exactly?” You’re not the only one to wonder. It’s an age old question that has left many people questioning their romantic relationships and future.

So, what is love? Love is a process: finding a partner, falling in love, and sometimes falling out of love. It isn’t a permanent thing. It’s not something you find and have forever because it never changes. Instead, love is fluid. Its definition changes over time, depending on each couple. Couples who make love last have learned to change together and to support each other’s individuality.

Love is beautiful and sometimes painful.

Just as love is ever-changing, so is the pain it can bring. Pain from love occurs in different stages of a relationship . You’ve probably already experienced some of the various kinds of pain in love. If not, you’ll probably experience them at some point in the future. Let’s take a look at some of the different kinds of pain so you’ll recognize it when it happens to you.

Love and Pain Come in 6 Different Stages.

1. What is love? Is this love?

Looking for love can be pretty painful. First, there’s the issue of finding love, which means getting over emotional traumas from past relationships. You have to be ready to find love and know what you want before you can go looking for a significant other. You also need to have some idea of what love means to you, which might not be the same idea for everyone.

Once you think you know what you want and you’ve answered, “What is love?”, there’s the pain of figuring out how to ask the other person out on a date.

Just when you work up the courage to ask somebody out, you might be hit with the next great pain: rejection. In this case, what you have to do is learn to cope with unrequited love, or romantic feelings that are not shared. If you get through the date part and the feelings are mutual, now you get to face even more discomfort. You have to figure out if you’re really in love with your partner or just attached to them. If you think what you feel is love, it’s time to show the other person how you feel. Perhaps the most painful part of this stage is deciding how to tell them you love them.

2. I am definitely falling in love!

The second stage of love and pain is the falling in love part. The pain from this stage comes from the same age-old question: what is love? Except this time, you ask yourself, “Am I falling in love?” You can answer this question by paying attention to your actions. If you catch yourself doing any of the things on this list, you just might be in love.

To avoid some of the pain associated with love, it’s important to understand the science behind love. Remember, these strong feelings are due to the production of certain chemicals in your brain.

If you’ve confirmed that you’re falling in love and you understand the science behind it, congratulations! You can now participate in one of the best parts of being in love: holding hands. Holding hands results in a number of positive benefits for your health.

3. It’s official, we’re a couple.

The next step in the progression of love is usually that the two of you become a couple. If you’re not sure what step you’re in, start looking for signs that you’re in a committed relationship. Once you’ve determined that you’re officially in a relationship, you have a whole new set of potentially painful concerns. You might start wondering what to do now, how to act, where to go, and how to keep the relationship healthy. First of all, stop thinking so much. If you overanalyze your relationship, you’ll end up frustrated and anxious. Focus on being mature in your relationship to create and maintain happiness.

Much like a business, you need to think of a mission and vision for your relationship. Where do you hope to be in a few years and how can you improve on your relationship every day? To answer some of these questions, it’s important to learn what kind of personality your partner has. Take the time to really understand them. A highly sensitive person has different needs than a grounded and serious person, for example.

4. How did I ever love this person?

At this stage, one of two things can happen. You either continue your relationship forever in the classic “happily ever after” story, or you start questioning the decisions that got you here. “What is love?” you find yourself asking again. “How did I ever love this person?” Well, if you’re a guy, chances are you fell in love with some of the typical qualities that make men fall in love with women. If you’re a woman, you probably hold some of those qualities.

Looking back on why you fell in love in the first place and questioning everything can be painful. It’s one of the hardest moments you’ll ever go through in your relationship. Look for things that will give you strength as you go through this difficult time.

5. It’s over.

This relationship isn’t everything you thought it would be. With all the pain and effort of trying to make it work, you somehow lost yourself along the way. Now you need to question if it’s time to let go so you can fo cus on loving yourself again.

Once you’ve broken up, you’re left to pick up the pieces of a broken heart. Just because the relationship wasn’t healthy, doesn’t mean it’s easy to get over losing somebody that you once loved. Recovering after a breakup is hard – your entire future is now up in the air. Despite this, you still need to get over it and move on as quickly as possible. Take the time you need to learn the important lessons that come with losing love d ones, listen to all the saddest songs when you want to cry, and then move on with your life.

6. I’m single again.

Now that you’ve gotten over the breakup, you’re back out in the single world again. This can be fun or it can be painful if you start to feel lonely. Just focus on how to love yourself and look for the motivation to appreciate yourself. Embrace this moment in your lif e and true love will come when you’re ready.

Featured photo credit: Can Anh Khai via pexels.com

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Time to Stop Those Positive Mantras! Studies Show They Only Make You More Negative

Positive thinking is one of the most touted philosophies in the world. Many authors have written many different books and articles professing about the advantages of positive mantras, and the list includes not only writers but many notable industrialists, celebrities, and highly respected personalities.

Decoding positive thinking

Positive thinking [1] is actually developing our mindset in such a way that we expect good and only favorable outcomes from any events. In other words, it’s the process of transferring our energy into reality by thinking only optimistic thoughts. (That’s what the notion is, at least.)

Does it really work?

While many people believe that positive thinking really leads you to the path of glory and happiness, there are others who think otherwise. Both sides have put forward many compelling reasons supporting their views. While the argument may be never ending, the detractors have a strong foothold over their claims because the proponents of the debate don’t have too many scientific backings behind their claims.

How positive mantras can backfire

Suppression of negative emotions causes outbursts of dreadful negativity

If we use positive mantras [2] too frequently, then it might work for a shorter period but on the long run, it may cause even more adverse consequences. Why so? When we use a positive mantra, it tends to suppress our negative emotions. But, if it continues for a longer time and becomes a habit, then we might be overwhelmed by even more negative feelings at times when the results are not as expected, as there should be a balance between positive emotions and negative emotions in life. The balance of positive and negative feelings in life is also supported by the Ying and Yang theory developed by the Chinese.

Action speaks louder than mantras

Additionally, uttering positive mantras in our life might work sometimes and also, to channel the energy into reality, utter faith and absolute belief are required. However, the mantras most definitely prove themselves useless, if we just keep chanting positive mantras but fail to put into action the message that the mantra is supposed to convey. As a consequence of that, we might be caught off guard by negative kind of vibes, and feel highly frustrated because our mind will immediately conjure up many negative thoughts.

For instance, if you believe that a perfect body is the one with well-toned abs, biceps, and wings, which you don’t possess, but keep on insisting that you have a perfect body, then your mind will start searching for the fallacies (which you think, mind it) within your body. You will be insecure about the little bit of belly protruding out, you will be insecure about your waistlines and even your arms. This will make you more insecure about your body and will depress you even more.

Trap you into delusional fantasies

A fact is a fact, it won’t change irrespective of the situations and time, so a fact is not going to change even when you utter positive mantras your whole life. For example, if you are a little short on the finances, you aren’t going to miraculously solve your financial problems just because you utter positive mantras million times. It will be much better if you accept the reality and work towards dealing with it. You could rather work on personal budgeting [3] instead of living with a false sense of security. This will make you happier on the long run.

Let’s take another scenario for example. You have an exam tomorrow and you are not prepared well. If you say that you are going to score 100 out of 100, it’s never going to work irrespective of how many times you say it in your head. The reality is you haven’t prepared well and there are certainly going to be questions, which you haven’t prepared for. While positive mantras might help you to write the answers correctly to the questions that you have prepared for, you won’t be able to write the answers, you don’t know. What I am trying to say is ‘there is a hypothetical situation and there is a brute reality’. Conjuring fantasies to wrap up reality is no way to answer any question in the real world.

Hard work is key to success in our life. If you have worked hard then despite all the negative thoughts that might surround your head instinctively, you are going to perform better, however, if you haven’t put on enough work, then no matter how many times you say that you are going to be successful, it won’t be enough.

When positive mantra backfire

A study has also shown that positive thinking works well if you have very high self-esteem [4] . But if you have low self-esteem and utter positive mantras, it is found that it will only strengthen your negative mindset when they are met by set-backs. This will result in many negative feelings. For example, if a good football player believes that he is going to be the best then it will act as a buffer and he will be able to perform to his potential, however, if a player with low self-esteem thinks that he is going to be the best player in the world, he will feel that his shooting is not good and even his passing is not on the par with average football player in the world, which means he will perform worse in the matches.

Are there any alternatives that actually work?

If you are the believer of positive mantras and you are beginning to doubt its functionality, what will you do? Don’t fret because there is another theory called value affirmation which might help you.

What is value based self-affirmation?

First of all, values are the beliefs which we think are desirable and ideal. Our values are dynamic as it is changing accordingly and reshaping as we experience new things in our life, therefore, it is necessary that we update our values constantly, so our objective in life resembles the values we believe in.

If we are aware of our values, it will help to maintain balance in our life. If there is an imbalance between our value and aim, it will undermine our motivation to do things. Hence, value affirmation is recognizing the values we believe in rather than saying the things like positive mantras repeatedly.

Does value based self-affirmation really work?

In one of the surveys conducted recently, students in one of the universities were chosen randomly to write about their values. Those students who were selected performed very nicely in their college years in comparison to those students who had not taken part. This was repeated again with the same success in Hispanic community and African-American community.

Therefore, the next time you find yourself chanting mantras to assure you that everything is going to be fine, stop. Instead, try to recognize your deeply rooted values and check whether your values are in balance with your action and goals or not, and become successful.

Reference

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How to Make a Relationship Last (Given That 50% of Couples End up in Divorce)

Seems hard to believe, right? If half of all marriages end in divorce, the odds seem to be against you and your partner (or future partner). Don’t start questioning everything just yet, there’s still hope.

Turns out there’s a reason relationships tend not to last.

When you meet somebody new or have a new experience, your brain releases opioids. These feel good chemicals make you feel like you’re on top of the world. Think about the first time you kissed your significant other – amazing, right? Now that you’ve kissed at least a hundred times, does it still feel the same? Probably not. That’s because that exciting feeling tends to go away after having the same experience time and time again.

The same thing happens in a long term relationship. In other words, the passion starts to fade.

You can stop boredom from happening in your long term relationship.

Don’t just start looking for a new partner. The same problem is bound to occur no matter who you’re with. Some great relationship advice is to learn about the 5 stages of love and why so many people never make it past stage 3. If you can make it past that stage, you hav e a chance at making your relationship last. This is only true if you’re willing to put in some effort.

Follow this relationship advice to make your relationship last.

Ask yourself some questions.

When you start to doubt your relationship because the spark has begun to fade, it’s time to ask yourself some very important questions. How did the relationship start? How often do you laugh together? Can you remember the most romantic moment the two of you have shared? Reflecting on these questions can help you remember what you love about your significant other.

Never stop pretending that you’re in a new relationship.

You’ve probably fallen into the rut of the same old routine everyday. Stop that! Remember when you’re relationship was new? Everything was different and exciting. It can still be that way. Recreate your first date or come up with some new date ideas. Don’t forget the power of holding hands. Take yourself back to the feeling of falling in love. Keep everyday fresh and new to keep the passion alive.

Remember all the little details.

Being in a long term relationship doesn’t give you permission to stop putting in effort. In fact, the opposite is true. If you feel like you’re getting bored with your partner, take this relationship advice: do things together. Whether it’s finding things to do on the weekend or coming up with cheap and fun date ideas – staying busy keeps boredom at bay. Are you low on cash? That’s still no excuse. You can find plenty of fun things to do at home. One of the most import ant details you can remember is your anniversary. Make it special with some fun anniversary ideas that will bring the two of you closer together and make a memory you’ll never forget.

Don’t forget about things outside of your relationship.

Even though you’re in a long term relationship, it doesn’t take away from the fact that you are an individual. Some of the best relationship advice out there is to never let go of your independence or who you were before you got together with your significant other. If you used to love painting, taking pictures, or hiking – make sure to keep doing those things. Don’t give up your hobbies just because your partner doesn’t like those things. Remember, you don’t have to do everything with them.

A lot of us tend to spend less time with our friends when we start a new relationship. That’s normal, but you shouldn’t forget about them completely. Try to make some time in your life to be with your friends. Just as romantic relationships take effort, so too do friendships. Tired of going to the same old pub with your friends? Try some great, low cost activities together.

Take the relationship advice mentioned here. You’ll feel better in your relationship and the two of you will stand a better chance at beating the odds.

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Poor Sleep Quality Comes from All the Things You Do in the Morning, Afternoon and at Night

When you have a bad night’s sleep, you probably think back to the previous evening and try to work out what went wrong. You might wonder whether you went to bed too early, whether your room was too warm, or whether you need to replace your pillow. However, you might be looking for answers in all the wrong places. If you want a good night’s sleep, you need to lay the groundwork from the moment you wake up.

In this article, you will learn exactly what you must do in the morning, afternoon and evening to optimize your precious sleep time. Implement the steps in this article and you will wake feeling much more energetic every morning.

Make your mornings count

Let’s start at the very beginning – the snooze button. Your mission is to stop using it to delay getting out of bed, because all it does is confuse your body. It’s far better to get up at precisely the same time every day, in order to set up a regular sleep/wake pattern.[1] If you need an extra boost to get you up in the morning, asking yourself a few simple questions about the day ahead can make all the difference.

Resist the temptation to down a cup of coffee just after waking up. Wait until 10am before having your first shot of caffeine, because this is when your cortisol and energy levels start to dip. However, you should definitely eat a good breakfast. Eating a meal high in proteins and carbohydrates at the same time every day helps regulate your circadian rhythm.[2] With a little foresight and creativity, anyone can put together a quick and healthy breakfast. There are lots of tasty vegan options out there too.

Keep the momentum going in the afternoon

Choose your lunch with care. Avoid loading up on too many carbohydrates, because they will make you drowsy in the afternoon and disrupt your sleep cycle.[3] Cutting down on lunchtime carbohydrates may mean making some adjustments, but there are plenty of low and no-carb lunch solutions you can try. If you still feel the need to nap, keep them short. As the afternoon goes on you need to resist the temptation to eat lots of carbs and protein, because doing so triggers your body into setting itself up for action rather than rest.[4]

How to set yourself up for sleep in the evening

The golden rule is to go to bed at the same time every night, as this preserves your circadian rhythm. Avoid saturated fats[5], particularly during the evening, because research indicates that they have an adverse effect on your sleep-wake cycle. Meditating before you go to sleep will help you relax, and prepare your body for high-quality rest. Finally, sleeping in a cool room will also help ensure a sound slumber.

Little hacks to help you sleep throughout the night

If you suffer anxiety or insomnia, you may want to invest in a weighted blanket – research shows that they help those with these conditions enjoy a better night’s sleep. Your sleeping position can also have a direct impact on how you feel the next day. Specifically, sleeping on your left side benefits your heart, back and digestive system. Finally, think about what you wear in bed. Did you know that people who sleep naked reap numerous health benefits such as lower rates of skin disease and a reduced risk of Type 2 diabetes? What’s more, it makes life easier. You will have fewer items to launder each week!

Follow these steps to enjoy the best night’s sleep of your life. A good rest is essential for mental and physical health, so it’s worth taking the time to review your sleep hygiene.

Reference

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Learn How To Stop Procrastination: From Immediate Fix To Long Term Productivity Boost!

Have you ever planned your weekend ahead but end up doing nothing? Have you ever rushed through your essays and submit your work just a few minutes before the deadline? Are you the type of person who study just 2 days before your finals and constantly giving yourself a heart attack?

Sounds familiar? If Yes, Congratulations! You can call yourself a Procrastinator! But don’t worry, you are not alone!We have all procrastinated at least once (or still doing it) in our lives.

Luckily, procrastination is not something that we can’t fight over, we just need to better understand the root cause of it and tackle it in the right way!

Being Lazy means not much harm, isn’t it?

Procrastination doesn’t only making you less productive, it can harm your personal reputation too!

In order to have the motivation to counter procrastination, it’s better for you to know how it can easily destroy your life by ruining your personal reputation! Now we are getting serious here!

Discovering The Reasons Why You Procrastinate.

You Should Start By Identifying The Reasons Why You Procrastinate!

Procrastination is certainly more than just lazy. It involves many different reasons such as fear, stress or just simply being perfectionist! You need to understand the root cause in order to tackle it probably and efficiently!

Why we procrastinate so easily even we know it’s not the right thing to do at that moment?

Sometimes it’s not about the willpower that we need to tackle it, it’s about tackling something bigger than procrastination. You need to understand what stops you from doing what you need to!

Do You Know There Are Different Types of Procrastinators?

Just as said above, procrastination is more than just lazy. By understand which type of procrastinator you are, you can find a better solution to beat this anti-productive monster!

How to Deal With Procrastination?

1.How About Starting by Spotting yourself procrastinate?

It’s easy for us to procrastinate without noticing it, so by understanding what signs that indicate that you start to procrastinate helps you put solutions into actions right away!

2.Counter Attack Your Procrastination Excuses!

Prepare for it! We all give ourselves different excuses to delay our work! Here we have a list of things you can say to yourself when you find reasons to stop doing your work!

3.Some Immediate actions to stop procrastinations

Once we spot ourselves start to procrastinate, it’s best to put in action to stop it. Something like changing the environment might help you regain focus and concentration!

4.Procrastination is a cycle so break the loop!

You might find yourself repeating during the loop of procrastination. Not willing to do the work -> Find excuses to justify -> just stop doing anything -> panic attack about upcoming deadlines -> rush through your work and so-on. By understanding this pattern, it’s easier for you to find ways and know when exactly you need to break the cycle.

5. By developing the “2-minute rule” habit, you can easily fight over procrastination!

Once you start doing something, it’s easier to continue doing it. I love the 2–Minute Rule because it embraces the idea that all sorts of good things happen once you get started.

6. If You have to procrastinate, at least do something that keeps the momentum going!

Do something simple when you really want to take a procrastiantion break! things like checking emails or start writing a list of things you need to do later can helps you relax your mind and at least keep the motivation going!

7. Use Apps like Trello that helps you better organise your time and projects

For people who tend to avoid their work,Trello provides a clear, easy-to-access space for depositing relevant information for getting things done. Once you become familiar with usingTrello, both to enter your to-do list items and to remind yourself of them, you’ll have a smoothly functioning system of recording your activities and plans.

8. Small habits that keep procrastination away!

Tackling procrastination is not a 1 time thing. It takes effort and time to take away this bad habit. Don’t rush it and start by practicing habits like setting time slots of breaks can help you get into the zone!

9. Tailor-made your own Anti- Procrastination Plan!

We are all different and we know what work best for us. Given there are lots of options provided above, you have to decide which option is more suitable for you! Feel free to mix them up and set up your own plan!

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